This Thanksgiving I am Grateful for My Friends, Family, and Not Having to Wear Heels to Work

photo-40We spent Thanksgiving dinner tonight with my inlaws, and for something completely different, I decided to dress up. For me, dressing up means putting on a pair of earrings, but tonight I thought I’d be a little crazy and actually slip on a pair of heels.

Yes. Crazy. And so is any woman who wears these elevated toe-torture devices on purpose.

For the past decade, I’ve rarely worn heels. If you glance below my knees you’ll find flip flops, sneakers, barefoot sports shoes, or better yet – just plain bare feet.

Not the kind of shoe you should wear to a funeral

Not the kind of shoe you should wear to a funeral

I’ll reluctantly trudge through a wedding in a pair of pumps, and I used to wear them to funerals until I realized my heels were doubling as lawn aerators. Since then, I switched to flats.

Don’t ask me why all of a sudden tonight I walked (or rather teetered) out my front door wearing a pair of painful pumps. I do stupid things all the time, and even stupider, I’ll eventually do it again sometime, even before the pain subsides.

Walk downhill on San Francisco's Lombard Street. This is what it feels like to wear heels.

Walk downhill on San Francisco’s Lombard Street. This is what it feels like to wear heels.

The blisters were beginning to form on my left foot before I even put on the right heel. My toes were squeezed together creating an unnatural point that should only be reserved for elves. Forcing my feet into a permanent 45 degree downward angle made me feel like I was struggling to maneuver downhill on Lombard Street, and I’m sure my face was wincing at every step like I was in the throws of childbirth. Still, I soldiered on.

The heels came off in the car, were forced on again for the walk from the car to my inlaw’s Thanksgiving food line, then were stealthy kicked under the table for the duration of dinner.

I put them on again to stagger to the bathroom, where I inspected the welts across my toe knuckles.

Just the price of being a woman, I tried to tell myself.

Like those giraffe women in Africa who keep adding rings to their necks to make their necks longer.

Long necks for the sake of beauty

Long necks for the sake of beauty

Like the Chinese women who have their feet broken and bound so they’re forced into shoes made for Polly Pockets.

Small feet for the sake of beauty

Small feet for the sake of beauty

Or the tribal women who stretch their earlobes.

Big earlobes for the sake of beauty

Big earlobes for the sake of beauty

Like painful heels, that earlobe craze unfortunately is catching on.

Big earlobes for the sake of... God knows why

Big earlobes for the sake of… God knows why

After the Thanksgiving festivities, I contemplated walking barefoot back to the car, but it was dark, and I wasn’t sure if stepping on potential twigs, rocks or glass would be more painful than just wearing the heels for 100 feet.

I think walking barefoot on hot coals would have been a more pleasant journey.

By the time I returned home, I probably should have either chucked the heels directly into the garbage can or donated them back to the charity I bought them from. After all, the insole still had the $4.95 price tag from when I purchased the shoes from American Way two years ago. But the heels look nice and kind of classy, so in my silly, optimistic mind I visualized myself with feet a half size smaller and thinner, slipped into these lovely pumps, giving the optical illusion that my legs are sexy, slender but muscular, tan, and free from hair and varicose veins. I prance around on these fantasy stilettos like a statuesque supermodel, rather than wobble on them like the uncoordinated klutz I am.

Then I woke up and grabbed the Bandaids for my popped blisters.

I figured since Thanksgiving is the biggest day of the year for giving thanks, I might extend that gratitude publicly by saying I am very VERY thankful I do not have to wear heels to work. Sure I could be some high-powered lawyer, a CFO for a Fortune 500 company, or a Tea Party staffer, but you couldn’t pay me enough money to put on heels every day.

You also couldn’t pay me enough money to be a Tea Party staffer even if I didn’t have to wear heels every day.

It has been ten weeks since I’ve had time to write a new blog, and I have the good fortune of steady work to blame as the reason for my lack of posts. But one of the best things about my job is that I do it from home.

I am a sound editor, and not only do I not have to wear heels, I don’t have to wear anything at all, except for a pair of headphones. On hot summer days I’ve even contemplated such attire, but I’m always afraid that might be the day the Gas Man comes to check the meter, takes a peek through my bedroom window and spots me with just my birthday suit and headphones and then tells all the other Gas Men around the water cooler about me, and then they might all try to get his route.

Not to take a peek at the naked gal with the headphones. To ask me where they can get a gig like mine.

Granted, Gas Men have the kind of job where they’re lucky enough not to wear heels, but to get away with not even having to wear clothes – now that’s a great gig!

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4 Comments

Filed under Holidays, Humor

4 responses to “This Thanksgiving I am Grateful for My Friends, Family, and Not Having to Wear Heels to Work

  1. Erin

    Gotta agree with you and I am exactly the same way! In college I used to have to attend a weekly meeting that would usually require attractive business casual attire at that point in my life I wasn’t a fan of the heel (and I’m still not!) I had a pair of kitten heels I got from Target at some point along the line but a ‘proper’ girl can not where the same pair of shoes with various outfits every week or so- I’d try to mix it up occasionally pairing heels with an outfit figuring I only needed them to walk from my car, into the building and up to the meeting and could kick them off under the desk I was sitting at. I also had a bad habit of going out to buy a pair of shoes(read probably flip flops or very flat shoes)I wanted and seeing a pair of heels I thought were cute, were cheap and may wear some day and since I was already buying something I’d pick those up too. Now I have more heels than I know what to do with but at this point in my youngish life I think I’ve decided to stick with flats or wedges(how I went for so long without knowing about the amazingness of wedges boggles my mind!) Seek out a pair of wedges if you haven’t worn any or don’t own a pair, they’re still dressy & can be classy and business like all at the same time! Even in my 1st adult full time job I would do the same thing I did for business casual meetings in college. I’d keep my collection of adult dress shoes(heels) laying around in my car & wear my flip flops out to drive to work in then throw on a pair of shoes once I got to work. Luckily, the department I worked in was located basically in our little own room in the building & we could shuffle around in their with no shoes if we really wanted to & sometimes I did. My next job was more relaxed on the attire & footwear we had to wear to work, so jeans & flip flips or occasional tennis shoes it was for me. Until I got a promotion that required a switch back to more professional business casual- no more jeans or causal footwear for me :( I have no idea what I’ll do in my next job. Guess I’ll have to start stocking up on multiple pairs of wedges I like. Besides the dreaded choice to dress up with heels issue I hope you all had a wonderful & enjoyable Thanksgiving!
    Longest seemingly never ending comment over…now!

  2. I wore my five-finger Vibrams to dinner. I don’t know why you didn’t do the same. I never said I was dressing up in heals.

  3. Tammie

    Very funny! I feel the same way! One correction, The “giraffe women from Africa” is way off. They are from the Karen (pronunced Kor-en) tribe in Thailand, the villages I go to when go on my missions trips, and even wearing the bands on their necks is becoming as popular as your wearing heels!

  4. Hahahaha! I enjoyed your comeback enormously. A few years back when I was working still and wearing 3 in high heels and feeling very sexy and glamorous because of it (one of the patients asked if I was a dancer since I had such great legs. When I said no then he said it must be because of wearing heals) Anyway………I didn’t wear heels for about a week for whatever reason and when I tried to wear them again I couldn’t. My feet hurt so bad I decided I’d never wear heels again so i gave them all to a co-worker much younger than me who hadn’t yet reached the age where wearing high heels was a pain in the foot. Since I’d bought all my heels at Nordstroms and had several pair she said it felt like Christmas. But still there are days when I wish I could wear them again, if just so I could feel sexy. It’s pretty hard for a grandmother of 13 and great grandmother of 7 to feel sexy.

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