Tag Archives: satire

Police Navidad

Screen shot 2012-12-24 at 11.56.54 PM

Yesterday I finished up my countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas in which every day for 12 days I presented a different beloved holiday song and recreated it as a parody that was possibly crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect.

I probably should have checked my math (or at least a calendar) before I started since today is Christmas Day and my 12 days are up. No worries. It’s my blog, so I get to make the rules. So as an added bonus, I bring you my final installment in this series:

“Police Navidad” sung to the tune of “Feliz Navidad”

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Another family Christmas has gone bad

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Too many fights between the moms and dads

**********

I don’t want another scary Christmas

That requires psychoanalysis

Or cashing IRA’s just to pay to bail us

Out of jail at night court

I don’t want to have to bury Christmas

Or form resentments and lack of forgiveness

Restraining orders from my wife and kids

Christmas Day rips us apart!

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Filed under Family, Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire

My Rump-rump-rump-rump

hairy lumpy buttToday is Day 12 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect.

For the 12th Day of Christmas I bring you “My rump-rump-rump-rump” sung to the tune of “The Little Drummer Boy.”

“My Rump-rump-rump-rump”

“Come,” they told me

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Was now a blimb-sized seat

My rump-rump-rump-rump

“Our slimmest shakes we drink”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

“To help our dieting”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

************

So I joined their gym

My rump-rump-rump-rump

To firm up my bum

************

I said, “Maybe – ”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

“I’ll try your cross-fit too”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

They showed me squats that sting

My rump-rump-rump-rump

The reps were tiring

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

************

“Shall I lunge for you?”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Tightening my bum.

************

My tush gained some height

My rump-rump-rump-rump

I squeezed my butt cheeks tight

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Gluteus maximus

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Was not so maximus

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

************

Trainers high-fived me

My rump-rump-rump-rump

At my firm buns

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire

I’m Dreaming of a Politically Correct Christmas

Politically correct XmasToday is Day 10 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect.

This one is actually deliberately politically correct (not too often that you so three adverbs in a row). To sing this song, everything in brackets needs to be sung very quickly.

For the 10th Day of Christmas I bring you:

I’m Dreaming of a Politically Correct Christmas

I’m dreaming of a politically correct Christmas

For public school holiday shows

One-third sings Hanukkah

A third – songs for Kwanzaa

The rest – ‘bout Santa and the snow

************

I’m dreaming of a politically correct Christmas

Where <religions/races/nationalities/political parties/genders/sexual orientations> all unite

May your day be generic and trite

And may all your Christmases be white <or black or brown or yellow or red depending on your race because they’re all equally good.>

I have another verse about the far right wing dreaming of a truly white Christmas, but my husband who enjoys  politically incorrect humor more than almost anyone I know advised me that I had crossed the line. If you’re interested in hearing it, drop me an email and I’ll send it to you.

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Public Education, Satire

Frosty the Lecherous Snowman

Today is Day 9 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect. This one is particularly raunchy. I’m not sure if I should be more proud or embarrassed.

For the 9th Day of Christmas I bring you:

Frosty the Lecherous Snowman

Frosty the Snowman had a very crappy soul

He would date women and use all them

To inflate his large ego

*************

Frosty the Snowman was no fairy, so he’d say

He was chilled like snow and he seemed so cold

To the ladies on a date

*************

There must have been some tragic end

That caused him to rebound

For every time he found a mate

He began to fool around

*************

Frosty the Snowman thought that he was a hot lay

So he said, “Come Hun,” and “We’ll have some fun”

Before I run away

*************

Down to the nightclub with his Visa in his hand

Touching here and there any woman’s bare -

- Skinned leg with his firm gland

*************

He leads girls to his dark condo

And then climbs right on top

And hates to pause the moment when

The girls all holler STOP!

*************

Frosty the Snowman always hurries on his way

And he waves goodbye and grabs a thigh, saying

“I’ll call you someday”

*************

Thumpity thump thump

Thumpity thump thump

Then puts on his clothes

Thumpity thump thump

Thumpity thump thump

He has his fun then goes

Frosty the Lecherous Snowman

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire

The First No “L”

No-LToday is Day 8 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect. Although I encourage my parodies to be sung out loud, for this one you should definitely read along to get the meaning. So… for the 8th Day of Christmas I bring you:

The First No “L” (sung to the tune of “The First Noel”)

Angels = AngesThe First No “L” the ANGELS did say:

Several cherubs complained they don’t like our new name (ANGES)

Is the “G” pronounced “J?” Or is it pronounced “G?”

Can’t you just call us “HOBBITS” like “Lord of the Rings?”

No “L,” No “L,” No “L,” No “L,”

Who is now “HE” since “HE” used to be “HELL?”

Gold = GodThe Wise Men brought frankincense and some myrrh

But they kept all the GOLD and split it together

Without the “L” we’ve just brought you “GOD”

So Jesus, you’re broke. You had best get a jobcarpenter

No “L,” No “L,” No “L,” No “L,”

Who is now “HE” since “HE” used to be “HELL?”

Hell = He

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Silent Night, Lonely Night

Today is Day 7 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect. For the 7th Day of Christmas I bring you:

“Silent Night” (sung to the tune [duh!] “Silent Night”)

Silent night

Can this be a real ad?

Can this be a real ad?

Lonely night

No one calls

No one writes

************

I’m a virgin

(No) others worthwhile

Only instance -

His kiss met my bile

************

(I got nothin’ for this next one):

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

Maybe I should just keep the original line. It’s really no surprise this loser is sleeping alone.

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I Want a Liposuction-us for Christmas

Screen shot 2012-12-18 at 11.04.32 AM

Today is Day 6 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect. For the 6th Day of Christmas I bring you:

I Want a Liposuction-us for Christmas

(sung to the tune of “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”)

images-7I want a liposuction-us for Christmas

A collagen injection – maybe two

I want a couple snips, and to plumpen up my lips

and suck out 20 lbs. of fat that’s taken from my hips

************

Screen shot 2012-12-18 at 11.00.22 AM

I want a liposuction-us for Christmas

I want to make my nose less like a Jew

I want a tummy tuck to flatten out my gut

And rent a super crane that’s strong to elevate my butt

************

imagesI can see me now on anesthesia

Hallucinating

I’ll no longer look surprised

‘cause I can’t raise up my eyes

Injecting Botox – which is cow pee-pee

************

images-14I want a liposuction-us for Christmas

Some double D implanting for my boobs

I don’t want puss-es after rhinoplasty-us

I’ll take some fancy pills to clear my acne up

Then celebrate “new me” with a tattoo!

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Music, Parody, Satire

Man it Blows! Man it Blows! Man it Blows!

Today is Day 5 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect. For the 5th Day of Christmas I bring you:

Man it Blows! Man it Blows! Man it Blows!

(sung to the tune of “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!”)

Oh the weather outside is frightful

And my boss is being spiteful

I’m broke with no place to go

Man it blows! Man it blows! Man it blows!

****

Fiscal cliff shows no sign of stopping

And my buttoned pants are popping

The zit on my nose just grows

Man it blows! Man it blows! Man it blows!

****

On Facebook I can’t get a “Like”

And my boyfriend’s addicted to porn

And the NHL ‘s still on strike

I wish that I never was born

****

My iPhone keeps on dying

And I just can’t stop from crying

There’s no one who loves me, so –

Man it blows! Man it blows! Man it blows

storm clouds

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Music, Parody, Satire

Santa Claus is Coming to Town – NOT!

Santa Claus Today is Day 4 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect. For the 4th Day of Christmas I’ve transformed one of your favorite children’s Christmas songs – Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Unfortunately it’s not Santa who’s telling you not to cry, or checking off that list, or staring at you while you’re sleeping.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town – NOT!

You better watch outusmc_yelling

You better not cry

Better not pout

I’m telling you why

‘CAUSE YOU’RE A FREAKIN’ MARINE, DAMMIT!!!!

************
Screen shot 2012-12-16 at 9.12.31 AMHe’s making a list

Checking it twice

Gonna find out

who’s naughty or nice

Your anal-retentive boss doesn’t think you deserve a holiday bonus.

************

Freddy_KruegerHe sees you when you’re sleeping

He knows when you’re awake

He knows if you’ve been bad or good

So be good for goodness sake

It doesn’t really matter if you’re bad or good, because if Freddy Krueger’s got your number, you’re a goner.

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire

Angels Fans are Getting High

Screen shot 2012-12-15 at 6.57.30 PMToday is Day 3 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect. For the 3rd Day of Christmas I give you:

Angels Fans are Getting High

(to the tune of “Angels We Have Heard on High”)

Angels fans are getting high

(at) Colorado Rockies games

Pot shops now are legalized

(so) visitors toke Mary Janes

Sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ned we are

Higher than our halos

Sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ned we are

Higher than our halos

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Filed under Baseball, Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire