Category Archives: Satire

Lost: Much-loved Sofa

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.34.37 PM

There’s a link on our Neighborhood Council website entirely devoted to lost & found pets, just in case little Fluffy wanders off in search of Starkist Tuna instead his standard bowl of Fancy Feast, or if an owner’s tag-less mutt breaks off his leash and ends up dodging cars on a freeway onramp. It’s a very useful tool for reuniting loved ones.Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.52.06 PM

 

IMG_7084 Another lost & found tool was not particularly useful if you were lactose intolerant, so that’s probably why you no longer see ads for lost children on the back of milk cartons asking “Have you seen me?” I wonder how often someone six states away from the child’s disappearance noticed the photo and remarked over a bowl of Cap’n Crunch, “Hey… If you ignore the nose piercing, shaved head and the neck tattoo of the Virgin Mary, doesn’t that kid look like Crystal from reform school if she was 12 years younger?” (for all those of you who are offended, you inadvertently stumbled on a humor blog and you should return to your Google search and click on something that ends in “.org”).

IMG_7291There are resources if you’ve lost your child or can’t find your pet; however there doesn’t seem to be a good way to locate a piece of treasured furniture that has gone missing.

Lately I’ve been noticing an uptick in the number of lost furnishings throughout my neighborhood. Sofas, chairs, desks, mattresses, bookshelves – even full living room sectionals can be found on street corners, in alleys,  behind apartment buildings or hiding in empty lots. My heart goes out to them because they look so sad. I imagine their owners pouring through Pennysaver ads and stopping traffic abruptly when they see a sign posted on a phone pole. They’re hoping the handwritten scribble says, “Found: Brown Sofa. Springs exposed and missing one cushion.” But no… it’s always another damn lost cat.IMG_6600

Sometimes the furniture only appears to be a few years old, but more often than not, it is obviously well-loved and looks like it could have been in a family’s (or crazy cat lady’s) possession for decades or more. The owners must be distraught over the loss of their coffee table with their 4-year old’s carvings and sharpie illustrations of SpongeBob SquarePants. Or the sofa that appears to have been the actual birthplace of a litter of puppies. Or the mattress that contains so many memories of successful evenings initiated at the single’s bars. Such treasured furnishings are irreplaceable.

IMG_7340I’m not really sure how these important pieces of furniture magically transport themselves from an owner’s living room, office or bedroom into a weeded area behind a chain link fence, but I have a few theories:

1. Burglars were in the process of stealing these treasured furnishings, but didn’t secure them properly to their truck, van, wagon, or other method of transportation, and the sofa, et al. fell off and landed on the afore-mentioned street corner, alley, etc.IMG_7085

2. Aliens (as in ET – the Extra-Terrestrial, not as in swimming from Cuba or following coyotes through the desert “illegal aliens”) noticed these functional and comfortable human contraptions and decided they wanted them for themselves, but after beaming them to their spaceships they realized that since their bodies are far from human, the furnishings are not actually as functional and comfortable as they originally thought, so the furniture was abruptly tossed from the alien spaceship and landed in the new spot on earth.

3. Perhaps for easier moving while rearranging furniture, the owners attached wheels to the furniture, but during the recent minor earthquakes, the furniture rolled out of their homes and down the street, losing their wheels along the way.

Screen shot 2014-07-15 at 12.01.07 AM4. An angry roommate with vengeance in his heart took the furniture and hid it where the legitimate owner couldn’t find it.

5. Ditto #4, but instead of an angry roommate, it’s an unscrupulous criminal who has stolen the furniture and is demanding a ransom for its safe return.

IMG_7066These unfortunate furniture owners must be drowning in pools of their own tears. I feel for them, but I am even more concerned about the horrifying experience endured these young sofas, chairs and mattresses by being exposed to the cruel elements. Scorching sun, brutal wind, torrential rain, and attacks from lawn sprinklers and hoodlums can transform these innocent furnishings into tragic victims that may never completely recover from their ordeal. They may sit silent and ignored for weeks, months, possibly years (depending on the neighborhood and the efficacy of their Sanitation Departments), and in most cases, their worried owners may never be found.

IMG_6281Within this blog post, I am sharing the photos I have taken of some of the lost furniture I have found in my neighborhood over the past few weeks. If any of these treasured furnishings look familiar to you, please respond in the comments below.

In advance, I’d like to say: You are very welcome! I am so pleased to be able to reunite you with your old friend.

IMG_6325

5 Comments

Filed under Humor, Satire

What to Expect When You’re Expecting the Royal Baby

Disclaimer: Not the real Royal Baby.

Disclaimer: Not the real Royal Baby.

Handmaidens have guided Kate Middleton through nine long months of holding her hair as she vomited morning sickness into the royal throne and dabbing at the sweat build up (correction: perspiration) that collected under the Duchess of Cambridge’s enlarged bosoms these past summer months. Prince William (AKA the Duke of Cambridge) spent a number of hours calmly barking “Push, my Lady! Push!” as doctors and nurses donning taffeta and top hats tended to the Duchess’ labor. And finally, on the 22nd of July in the year of our Lord two thousand thirteen, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Yet, the future heir of the kingdom of Great Britain, slid out the birth canal like every other vaginal birth baby in the history of the world, and was born.

Yet unlike every other vaginal birth baby in the history of the world, the rest of this baby’s life will be quite different.

Even though Willie and Katie will most likely only be ministering to the Royal Baby during photo ops, dozens of their loyal staff have participated in months of classes on caring for the infant upon its arrival to its home in the nursery of Kensington Palace. Hopefully the Duchess and Duke also sat in on the seminars, just in case their employees depart unexpectedly to write a tell-all book or become special guests on Oprah.

Here is a sample of their schooling from the symposium entitled:

What to Expect When You’re Expecting the Royal Baby

Diapering the Royal Baby: Even before he exited the hospital’s neonatal unit, millions of the future king’s subjects were already kissing his royal butt, so obviously much training was put into taking care of his bottom. Absorbent cotton grown exclusively from the United Kingdom’s dominion of South Africa will be crafted with a covering made from 2,000 thread count Egyptian linen. An olfactory expert has been enlisted who will smell the scent of the of the baby’s bowel movement the moment it exits his royal rectum. Without hesitation, this employee (whom the staff has affectionately nicknamed “Sir Brown Noser”) will whisk the baby away and remove the troubling turd. Sir Brown Noser will be accompanied by another aide, the Humidity Homer, who will insert his finger into the diaper every 60 seconds to see if the little tot has wet himself. This Dynamic Duo will be joined by a larger team who will gently cleanse the baby’s bottom with only the purest, most natural soaps, then massage fragrant lavender lotion onto his chubby cheeks. Maybe the ones on his face as well.

Breastfeeding the Royal Baby: Apparently there is a lactation consultant who is recognized world-wide in only the most elite circles as being enormously skilled in the art of forcing a newborn to latch on to a nipple, no matter how prim and proper that nipple may be. Yet this expert is so discreet, no one knows her name or what she looks like (or even if she is a she). Known only under the pseudonym The Queen of Suck, she has advised everyone from Angelina Jolie to Octomom on the best way to breastfeed a baby. The confidentiality agreement is so airtight that she (or he) is not allowed to discuss the details of angling Mother Kate’s breast into feeding position lest the Milk Maiden be put to death by drowning in a vat of formula.

Getting the Royal Baby to Sleep: Genuine eunuchs will be flown in from China to wave palm fronds over the Royal Baby during naptime and a trio of Benedictine Monks will sing three-part harmonies of Gregorian chants. The royal bassinet has been fitted with a 10-inch memory foam mattress and a 21st century “Magic Fingers” device which contains 12 different speed settings which the baby may choose himself based on his squirming direction.

Playing with the Royal Baby: Three of the most popular American My Gym teachers have been flown across the pond to teach the Royal Baby to play peek-a-boo and pat-a-cake. They have been instructing Kate and William for the past two months on games and songs, and basically getting them to behave like the children they were never allowed to be. We are told that the Proud Papa’s favorite children’s song is The Hokey Pokey; however, his manservant is still not used to ignoring his Highness’ instructions: “You put your right line in, you put your right leg out…” and has been known to trip mid-step while carrying in the morning tea.

A pacifier for the Royal Baby?: Even if it is blinged out with the Hope Diamond itself, under no circumstances should the Royal Baby be allowed to establish the crude habit of sucking on a pacifier. Although the pacifier is lifesaver for common folk, its use is known to cause an overbite. On the other hand, the Brits are famous for their bad teeth, so binky-sucking might be allowable in private, as long as its dependence doesn’t continue after the future king has been shoved off to boarding school.

Although with time the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and their underlings may become more adept at caring for their little bundle of regal joy, they will soon be thrust into the next stage of infant care: Baby-proofing the Royal Castle. The first item on the list: installing a child-proof lock for the lid of the Royal Throne.

10 Comments

Filed under Humor, Parody, Satire

Police Navidad

Screen shot 2012-12-24 at 11.56.54 PM

Yesterday I finished up my countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas in which every day for 12 days I presented a different beloved holiday song and recreated it as a parody that was possibly crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect.

I probably should have checked my math (or at least a calendar) before I started since today is Christmas Day and my 12 days are up. No worries. It’s my blog, so I get to make the rules. So as an added bonus, I bring you my final installment in this series:

“Police Navidad” sung to the tune of “Feliz Navidad”

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Another family Christmas has gone bad

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Too many fights between the moms and dads

**********

I don’t want another scary Christmas

That requires psychoanalysis

Or cashing IRA’s just to pay to bail us

Out of jail at night court

I don’t want to have to bury Christmas

Or form resentments and lack of forgiveness

Restraining orders from my wife and kids

Christmas Day rips us apart!

Leave a comment

Filed under Family, Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire

My Rump-rump-rump-rump

hairy lumpy buttToday is Day 12 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect.

For the 12th Day of Christmas I bring you “My rump-rump-rump-rump” sung to the tune of “The Little Drummer Boy.”

“My Rump-rump-rump-rump”

“Come,” they told me

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Was now a blimb-sized seat

My rump-rump-rump-rump

“Our slimmest shakes we drink”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

“To help our dieting”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

************

So I joined their gym

My rump-rump-rump-rump

To firm up my bum

************

I said, “Maybe – ”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

“I’ll try your cross-fit too”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

They showed me squats that sting

My rump-rump-rump-rump

The reps were tiring

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

************

“Shall I lunge for you?”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Tightening my bum.

************

My tush gained some height

My rump-rump-rump-rump

I squeezed my butt cheeks tight

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Gluteus maximus

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Was not so maximus

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

************

Trainers high-fived me

My rump-rump-rump-rump

At my firm buns

Leave a comment

Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire

Shingles Bells Meets Cathy the Red Head Mommy

shingles

Today is Day 11 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect.

This time last year I was recovering from a horrible case of shingles, and I wrote a little ditty about my pain and disfigurement. So… for the 11th Day of Christmas I bring you:

Shingle Bells Meets Cathy, the Red Head Mommy (sung to the tune “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.”)

Cathy, the red head mommy

Had a very harsh disease

And if you ever saw her

You would want to laugh and tease

************

Shingles – they covered her face

Set her head and scalp aflame

She couldn’t put on makeup

Like all them other classy dames

************

She was groggy from the meds

Her roots had turned to grey

Cathy with her hair so white

Got AARP’s invite

************

Now with the family photos

Taken throughout Christmas eve

Cathy, the red head mommy:

I’m burning every shot of me!!!

grey-hair

1 Comment

Filed under Anxiety, Holidays, Humor, Illness, Parody, Satire

I’m Dreaming of a Politically Correct Christmas

Politically correct XmasToday is Day 10 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect.

This one is actually deliberately politically correct (not too often that you so three adverbs in a row). To sing this song, everything in brackets needs to be sung very quickly.

For the 10th Day of Christmas I bring you:

I’m Dreaming of a Politically Correct Christmas

I’m dreaming of a politically correct Christmas

For public school holiday shows

One-third sings Hanukkah

A third – songs for Kwanzaa

The rest – ‘bout Santa and the snow

************

I’m dreaming of a politically correct Christmas

Where <religions/races/nationalities/political parties/genders/sexual orientations> all unite

May your day be generic and trite

And may all your Christmases be white <or black or brown or yellow or red depending on your race because they’re all equally good.>

I have another verse about the far right wing dreaming of a truly white Christmas, but my husband who enjoys  politically incorrect humor more than almost anyone I know advised me that I had crossed the line. If you’re interested in hearing it, drop me an email and I’ll send it to you.

2 Comments

Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Public Education, Satire

Frosty the Lecherous Snowman

Today is Day 9 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect. This one is particularly raunchy. I’m not sure if I should be more proud or embarrassed.

For the 9th Day of Christmas I bring you:

Frosty the Lecherous Snowman

Frosty the Snowman had a very crappy soul

He would date women and use all them

To inflate his large ego

*************

Frosty the Snowman was no fairy, so he’d say

He was chilled like snow and he seemed so cold

To the ladies on a date

*************

There must have been some tragic end

That caused him to rebound

For every time he found a mate

He began to fool around

*************

Frosty the Snowman thought that he was a hot lay

So he said, “Come Hun,” and “We’ll have some fun”

Before I run away

*************

Down to the nightclub with his Visa in his hand

Touching here and there any woman’s bare –

– Skinned leg with his firm gland

*************

He leads girls to his dark condo

And then climbs right on top

And hates to pause the moment when

The girls all holler STOP!

*************

Frosty the Snowman always hurries on his way

And he waves goodbye and grabs a thigh, saying

“I’ll call you someday”

*************

Thumpity thump thump

Thumpity thump thump

Then puts on his clothes

Thumpity thump thump

Thumpity thump thump

He has his fun then goes

Frosty the Lecherous Snowman

1 Comment

Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire