Should I buy him a present on his big day, or is my lack of presence the gift he really wants?
Today is 11-11-11 and at 11:00 am by ex husband is getting remarried. The ceremony will be outdoors in the mountains, so there’s a chance he’ll be extending that theme and it will be 11 degrees.
I am not invited.
This is not surprising since our breakup was my idea. I remember very clearly rehearsing my short speech for months, and then on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend in 2004 I spit it out:
“I think you know what I’m about to say. We should get a divorce.”
During my months of rehearsing, I imagined that my husband would agree. “Let’s stay friends,” he would say. We would celebrate birthdays together, occasionally go out to a family dinner, and continue to raise our two young daughters as a team.
It didn’t happen that way.
Apparently as absolutely certain I was that he would also want the split, he was just as absolutely shocked that I wanted to leave him. It blindsided him. And he was angry.
To make matters worse, I remarried only 18 short months later. “Tom’s such a nice guy,” I used to say. “It’s too bad he can’t find a nice girl to go out with him.” It never in a million years occurred to me that I might end up being that nice girl. He wasn’t my type, even if I didn’t know what my type was.
It was a scandalously short courtship. And if I was my ex, I would have been angry too, even though Tom and I didn’t have our first date until 6 months after the break up. Our son Jake was born three weeks before our one-year anniversary. We’ve trudged on, building a busy life together with our kids.
My ex went on to have three different long-term relationships. Emily & Mary Belle liked them all. But he really hit the jackpot with his bride today.
She is beautiful. Smart. She has a great job. And she is really sweet. She never had kids of her own, but she loves our girls. This is the most important thing to me, so I am not just pleased – I feel like I won the lottery.
This is her first (and hopefully only) wedding so it’s a very big deal. And this is (again – hopefully) my ex’s last wedding. They’ve been planning the big event for some time, and from what I can gather that the girls have told me, it’s going to be very special. I truly want it to be beautiful and memorable and something far far from freezing.
My ex doesn’t read my blogs. He’s not my Facebook friend. He doesn’t recommend me on Linkedin or follow me on Twitter. Although I see his Christmas card hanging on the walls of our few mutual friends, I’m not one of his recipients. The only connection we have is through our two beautiful daughters. If we didn’t have them, I wouldn’t even have a clue that he was remarrying today.
Maybe by the time our girls have kids of their own, my ex will become more comfortable and want to share birthdays and occasionally go out to a family dinner. I hope by now he realizes that I radically changed from the quiet little insecure mouse who married him into the gal you can’t shut up, and that we were no longer a good fit. He should have already been convinced that I’m a difficult person to live with, and his life must be much more peaceful not having to pick up the pieces of my daily over-commitments. I was merely a 13-year pit stop on the way to true happiness.
My wedding gift for ex husband is this wish: Let this girl be your soul mate, the one you were destined to be with for the rest of your lives. Please be happy, find the best in each other, grow together, and be a shining example to our daughters of the kind of marriage they would aspire to have one day.
What’s the nice thing about my gift? It’s something that you can keep – and re-gift over and over to every bride and groom.
28 responses to “My Ex Husband is Getting Married Today”
All I can say about this is: I LOVE it. From the bottom o my heart. It’s so touching and beautiful.
That’s the way its supposed to be.
The message you had for him, was beautiful. Very positive.
Thank you. I hope my wish comes true.
I absolutely love this!!
I love you for commenting!
This article demonstrates the gift of how to be nice to another even though it will be hidden from view under the bush of “he’ll never read this.”
It almost always serves me well to either be nice or just keep my mouth shut. Thanks for commenting, Margie.
Maybe one of those mutual friends will show him what he’s missing.
No, I’m sure it’s a “been there, done that.” That’s what I think when I see him. I actually love seeing the Christmas cards because they’re always of him, our girls and his new bride on vacation at someplace beautiful. I’m glad the girls get to experience that, and I’m also glad that he always includes them in his cards.
How incredibly generous and a completely unselfish act.
I don’t really think of it that way. After all, I’m the one who remarried first, so that’s kind of selfish. I’m just glad he finally gets his chance for true love. Thanks for commenting!
Wow, you are very kind. I mean, I am not sure I would be that understanding, and encouraging if my husband and I were to end our marriage and he remarry. You are truly a role model for your kids, and mine too.
That was actually one of the big instigators for wanting to split up. I really felt that there was someone out there for each of us that we were meant to be with.
A perfect gift to both your ex and your daughters.
You are a class act, girl. I hope your wish comes true for them.
What a lovely and graceful message to pass on to your daughters.
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I’m a new reader of your blog and late in commenting on this post but I had to chime in: This is love in a nutshell: To hope for or delight in the successes and joys of others. This will be a treasure that will pay dividends to those who matter most, your children. And I don’t mean just the daughters you share but any others you have separately.
After the initial chaos and emotional upheaval of my divorce, which like yours was initiated by me, it would’ve been easy and expected to continually disparage my ex but it seemed counterproductive for our kids and even for me. This became more apparent when others, my family or friends, would take the rallying cry and run with it, regaling every error or analyzing every issue and on and on and on until I just couldn’t hear another word. Worse yet, I realized that much of what they were saying was just repetition of complaints I had voiced and it was coming back again and again to haunt me. I decided to take a different approach and pray for my ex to be blessed with everything he needed to make his life whatever God intended it to be. One of the things that I asked was for him to be blessed with a partner that would truly be a blessing for him personally and for his household. And the woman that he married is that much and more. She is my hero, our MVP and a blessing beyond measure. My kids are so fortunate.
wierd. dont understand people who seem to treat relationships as disposible, to be got over easily, lets move on…. sort of stuff. some times things just hurt and its hard to get over. so i dont wish my ex well.
This does not like closure. This sounds like someone who doesn’t really know what they want. It also sounds like a lot of denial too. Standard fairy tale versus the reality of the situation. What we don’t hear about is the writer giving into the usual social pressures from “family” and “friends”. You need help!
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I found your site last week looking for ‘gifts for my ex husband that’s remarrying.’ I loved your article above and became a subscriber immediately. Thanks for the words, they are so relatable and make me feel more normal in my crazy busy remarried life. Your wish for your ex on his day gave me thoughts on how to send a personal message to my own ex for his wedding this weekend. Thank you, you are a tremendous writer!
Thank you Kat! I am honored.
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I found your post on the google search as my ex husband is getting married this weekend. I have daughter with him. I am glad he found someone. His wife to be is good with our daughter. “I wish it
Stay like this” I am not invited” nor I am allowed to talk to his new wife. She came from the same third world country i am from. We speak the same language. (Lol) he is afraid I might say something bad about him. As he represented me ” Abrasive person”. It’s much better to be nice. ( I think)