My Husband Loves Me More Than Your Husband Loves You

I love my husband and I know he loves me.

I’ve met a lot of women who like to have their husband’s love proved to them on a regular basis in the form of flowers, gifts, and jewelry. However, these are not my preferred forms of affection.

Although I appreciate flowers, I know within days the petals will drop, the pollen will cause my daughter Emily to be sneezing up a storm, and in a week, I will be the one hauling the dead bouquet to the green bin and having to wash a vase filled with skunk water.

In lieu of gifts, I would much prefer a gift certificate for “Free lawn mowing without the prompting of subtle hints” and “Complimentary kitchen cleaning – including wiping down the stove.”

And although I love admiring the glittery jewels other women wear, I just couldn’t appreciate showing off a chunk of bling when we’re still up to our eyeballs in credit card debt.

My husband Tom shows me he loves me in subtle ways. He’ll fill up the Keurig coffee maker with water when the light is flashing, even though he is already done with his own caffeine fix. If he’s making a root beer float for himself, he’ll offer to make one for me. And if I order a meal that turns out to be to the left of “just ok,” he’ll offer half of his meal, even if he’s starving and his dish is delectable.

We moved in together in May of 2005 and weren’t married until October, and there was still a lot I didn’t know about him. I volunteered Tom to man the grill for the annual Hartsook Street Block Party, which took place on the hottest day of the year. The temperature soared to 110 degrees and the humidity was so thick neighbors were sweating more liquid than they were ingesting. Tom lamented that the grill actually felt cooler than the air. He perched himself in front of that charcoal-induced sauna for four hours. Later he told me to never NEVER volunteer him for anything ever again without his permission.

Why does this scenario make him a more loving husband than the rest of the men out there? Because he wasn’t a dick the entire time he was grilling, he told me the “no volunteering” request without raising his voice, and he didn’t hold a grudge about it for weeks. How about it, Ladies? Would your hubbies have that reaction?

But the Grand Finale of Best Humbandrycame last night, just after 4:00 am. The previous day, our dogs found a bin in our pantry filled with Special K bars and ingested about a dozen of them.

Devil Dogs

Tom came home to crumbs, wrappers, and two very guilty-looking dogs. Then he cleaned up the mess before I could take a picture for my blog (more Best Husband kudos!).

In the middle of the night I awoke to a fearsome stench. I got up and started to walk toward the switch to turn on the light when I felt squish squish squish – the unexpected feeling of stepping on gooey wetness.

I turned on the light and started screaming.

“Tom! Tom!” He had gone out to the couch about an hour earlier because he couldn’t sleep. Tom ran in like he was ready to fend off a home intruder and we both stared down at the bedroom carpet.

It was completely covered in runny diarrhea. It looked like someone had unloaded a paintball gun filled with caramel-colored pellets. The mess was sprayed all over the doors, the walls, and the mirrored closet doors. I was actually standing in the middle of the Feces Forest and had no idea how to get out of it.

I just stood there – stunned, paralyzed, terrified. I had no idea where to even start cleaning up such a sewage spill.

I was still a motionless statue by the time Tom arrived with the pooper scooper and started cleaning up the watery excrement. He looked like he was playing a game of miniature golf, but instead of a ball, he was easing the club over stinky slime.

I performed a standing long jump into the hallway, dashed into the bathroom, and scrubbed the bottoms of my feet so hard you would have thought I was a plague victim in Contagion. Then I prepared a bucket with Mr. Clean, poured the hottest water I could stand with industrial-strength rubber gloves, and raced back to the bedroom.

“I’m done,” Tom said. ” Go sleep in the kids’ room.”

Well, his idea of “done” and my idea of “done” are two completely different things. Granted, the piles had been smeared down from two inches to two millimeters, but instead of random piles of poop, there now was a smooth ground cover of crap.

And tomorrow morning it would be a dried, crusty ground cover of crap.

I kneeled down in the hallway safe zone, rung out a soapy sponge, and started to scrub.

“Go to bed,” Tom gently ordered.

I was really beat. This was going to be the first time in over a week that I would be getting more than 6 hours of sleep, and now that plan had gone out the now-open window. The stench was truly unbearable and I was afraid I might even vomit, which would have been a nuisance since the pooper scooper was now outside.

“I’ll take care of it in the morning,” Tom said. I knew this really meant I’ll think about taking care of it in the morning, but if I wait until afternoon, I know you’ll do it anyway. But I was so tired, and the smell was so overwhelming offensive, I staggered to the kids’ room and crawled into the bottom bunk. Fortunately for me, Jake has been sleeping I the top bunk with Mary since he’s afraid of zombies (which apparently only make an appearance at his 9:00 pm bedtime).

I awoke this morning, dreading the job in front of me.

Mary woke up in the bunk above me and asked why I was in her room. She hopped out of bed the instant I told her what happened.

“Can I see?”

We headed through the hall and I plugged my nose as I opened the door, ready to be hit in the face by the noxious odor.

Instead, our carpet shampooer sat in the middle of the room and the carpet was clean.

What the…?

Tom was already holding a cup of coffee.

“I cleaned it last night.” He gulped his coffee. “I couldn’t sleep.”

Later in the day he hosed off the dozen or so piles of diarrhea scattered throughout the yard that were ejected after the dogs had been banished outside.

“I also cleaned and shaved Spike’s butt,” Tom said casually.

Apparently the constant streaming of liquid excrement had created a hefty cement-like compound, and leaves, dead flowers and weeds were caked onto our Australian Shepherd’s anus.

So for all you women who treasure the glittery bling, the dozen roses and the fancy gifts, I’d like to ask you a single question:

Would your husband let you sleep while he shampooed a shit-filled carpet and scrubbed the poopy ass of your long-haired dog?

This is why my husband loves me more than your husband loves you.

How about you? How does your spouse or significant other show you that he/she loves you?

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20 Comments

Filed under Anxiety, Debt, Family, Humor, Husband, Kids

20 responses to “My Husband Loves Me More Than Your Husband Loves You

  1. I’m happy to find I’m not alone. Don’t need the diamond ring…I already have a special thing…my hubby. Awesome post!

  2. Well, I don’t do windows. Truth be known, I had worked for a veterinary hospital for two years. I had seen and smelled a lot worse. So handling anything unpleasant with animals is not a big deal for me. Going to the mall, now that is a different story. Yikes! I hate shopping. As a father/husband I try to handle the tasks that are more dangerous or uncomfortable or creepy. I kill the rats, crawl in the attic to fix the leaky roof, and I chase away door-to-door salesmen. I even got rid of my step-daughter’s unwanted admirer. These are my areas of expertise in the realm of family ordeals and housekeeping. I am not good at picking up after myself and have been known to leave a dish or two on the counter. My wife is a Virgo to the core so these day-to-day faux pas drive her crazy. So this should hold me in good stead for a day, maybe two.

    • Anonymous

      I’m hoping such heroics will get you at least a week of “good stead”! I will say my own husband,Mark, has also over the years, proved his love many times, with his lack of squeamishness over our own critters’ indescretions.

  3. Hats off to your husband! He has proven himself an A+ of a husband. I will even forgive him the nasty digs he makes to his mother-in-law as long as he is being such a super husband to my daughter. Thank you Tom! And all this time I thought it was sex. Speaking of that, if we’re playing the My-husband-is bigger-than-your-husband game (which I loathe but can’t seem to pass this one up) our Golden Retriever is always so well behaved that I can’t mention my Tom’s cleaning up diarrhea (I think maybe I did something wrong in potty training Cathy since at least 50% of her blogs have some kind of detailed mention of feces) he mows and edges our 3 lawns, just changed the oil in two cars, does the dishes, does the laundry, helps make the bed, repairs ANYTHING in the house that breaks (including crawling under the house recently to repair a water leak), fixes his own breakfast, lunch and dinner, keeps me from hyper-ventilating when I have a computer problem and lets our Golden take up most of the bed. Alas, he doesn’t send me flowers but I’ve got lots of cards and the COOLEST thing of all, even though he married me when I already had 4 kids and 11 grandkids, he loves all of them plus the 3 new grandkids and the new 6 great-grands as if they were his own. He fusses over every problem they have, tracking their lives on FB and would cheerfully take a bullet for any of them. He’s an only child who never had any children so I always tell him he had a hole in his soul until he met me. Aren’t Cathy and I two of the LUCKIEST wives in the world!

  4. This is so sweet….in such a discusting, yet hilarious kind of way…I’m lucky to say that my husband is like this too…and honestly I don’t care about the bling bling stuff that my friends get from their significant others! I can’t even count the times that my pup has gotten up in the middle of the night and thrown up, and no questions asked, my husbands up getting the paper towels and carpet cleaner, even if he’s gotta get up for work in a few hours and I’m off that day! I too, would take that over the typical gifts any day! 🙂

  5. Well, Prince Charming doesn’t really care for pets (although he tolerates them if I insist), but will still clean up after them when we do have them. He also he does do all the housework: bathrooms, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, oh and the yard work, too. I only have to clean the kitchen and put away my clean clothes. He also calls me every day; tolerates my vampire hours; fusses about our (adult) children more than I do; and does a thousand little things every day that I just can’t even list here or it would be embarrassing, and I STILL get flowers and cards on Mother’s Day and my birthday. He rocks! Yours is pretty good, too, tho. I’ll give ya that. Great post. :>

  6. Been there and sooooo glad I didn’t have to deal with it. Thanks for reminding me to give my husband a big hug!

  7. That’s love, baby!!! I’d have given anything to have a man like him around when both my kids had the stomach bug from hell and were suffering from the explosive shits at the same time as hurling last weeks dinner back to the future…and not hardly ever making it to the bathroom. My steam cleaner is worth it’s weight in gold…and I proved it at 3am more than once. Great post!!!

  8. That’s great that you have such a supportive, loving husband! Like you, I appreciate much more those simple, but extremely meaningful gestures than presents, diamonds, jewelry, etc.
    Wish the best to the two of you 😉

  9. Priyanka

    Thanks for helping me understand what a great husband I have too. It’s so easy to forget how great he is when some people are of the opinion that husbands have to give flowers, gifts, take you wining and dining all the time, or else he doesn’t love you. But what if he is very busy with work and doesn’t have the time to do such things regularly? My husband usually returns home from work around 9.30-10 pm in the night and he is very very tired by then. But when he sees I am watching my favorite TV show, he doesn’t say ”I want dinner now”. He goes to the kitchen and starts bringing out the food to the dining table himself (he even puts the finishing touches to the dinner I made himself, perhaps like making the rice in the pressure cooker). Even if I protest, he doesn’t listen to me and says ” Hey you have been working all day, you keep the house clean and you made such a good dinner. Now just sit and watch TV. The least I can do is arrange the table”. Honestly to me, that is love. He does such small supposedly simple things everyday which tells me how much he cares. He never goes anywhere without me on Sundays (he works half-day on Saturdays) and even takes me grocery shopping so that I don’t have to do it on my own. He will insist on making breakfast and lunch on Sundays and I just help him with the cutting and chopping. He will pour me a soft drink when I want one and most days, he makes tea in the mornings while I brush my teeth. He will buy me my favorite chocolate whenever he finds it on a shop shelf. Now if that is not love, what is? Flowers, gifts, 2 week holidays? I think not.

  10. Anonymous

    Isn’t that kind of a jerk title?

  11. shiloh rayne

    why does my husband suck…..i envy you all

    • shiloh rayne

      why does my husband suck…..i envy you all.
      our most frequent arguments were over cleaning, We stopped arguing cuz I said whats the point, Im just gonna do this my way since he wont clean. He works full time and I’m part time. Not by choice, Im begging for a full time job. But, although I work less, I make much more money than he. I pay rent, insurance, bills, buy clothes, entertainment, groceries, food, pay for dinner at restaurants and movies, pay for clothes, cologne. Plus, I drive everywhere we go together because he says , “I’m too tired”. But the other night i asked him , “Between us, who loves who more?” and he said, “You love me more cuz you do more”.
      I guess just the fact that he was able to verbalize it, and that he’s known it, and takes it for granted… I cried for a week. After 7 yrs together, never got an anniversary present, valentines present cuz, “I cant afford one”. My birthday present i think was 2 flowers and I dont even like flowers. For my birthday I asked him for a strawberry cake and he couldnt do it. I also asked him to be me for one day; work out for an hour in the morning, clean the litter box, get well dressed for work, come home make dinner, wash up the dishes, and wrap left overs into the fridge. Well that was just way over his head. IM not even attracted to him. He doesnt work on hygiene, smarts, soul….. i wish he would just appreciate me, and help me. when he sees my back hurts from scrubbing our home, wish hed take over.
      for the last week i haven’t done nothing, and have been sleeping on the couch. i told him he must miss his mommy.

  12. binta

    Hello I am Kate Moore ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex love back.I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month, But when i meet a friend that introduce me to DR Ekpen the great messenger to the oracle that he supervene,I narrated my problem to DR Ekpen about how my ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Dr Ekpen at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct at freemercifultemple@yahoo.com and get your problems solve like me

  13. My husband puts his life on fire to protect me and my daughter. He crosses
    miles to get me my favorite food. He will always make sure that i eat well and
    will not care if his plate is empty. He worships the ground i walk on. Few years ago as he was going for his open heart surgery, all he cared was that i should be financially secured and happy, God forbids ,anything happens to him.

    We are married for 26 years and his love keeps growing. It is eternal. He gives me all the freedom in the world. He wants to see me, spread my wings and fly like a bird.His main focus in life is to keep his wife and his daughter
    happy. He will silently go through pain and suffering and never say anything to me. He does want to stress me for any reason.
    Ironically, my 22 year daughter treats me the same way too.

  14. Pingback: How to Lose 10 lbs. in 2 Days – Have a Colonoscopy! | very VERY busy mom

  15. stephanie

    Good day, my name is Stephanie and i would love to share a wonderful testimony. I was happily married for about Four years before my husband started messing up haven

    tried some spell casters i thought all hope were lost and i cried for a while before i was introduced to a prophet called Brian Carn by a friend of mine that helped

    put everything back in order by his special prayers and today we are still happily married so i want to use this media to challenge anyone of you is is passing through

    difficulties to contact this man, ladies we were created to have the best of life not to cry every night and day i know how it hurts because have been there so if you

    know you are passing through any challenge contact him on his email prophet.briancarn@yahoo.com

  16. Truthful Nacho

    This is a good counter to My Husband is Annoying TM, but I like it less. 🙂

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