Tag Archives: 2012

12/12/12 @ 12:12:12

VVBM 12:12:12I have just accomplished the most amazing feat that will probably ever occur in the lifetimes of everyone on this planet.

I have successfully uploaded this blog on 12/12/12 at 12:12:12. And I did it manually.

This is the last repeating number of the century. The next time I or anyone else will have a chance to do this will be on January 1, 2101 at 1:01:01 am.images

It’s unlikely that I’ll be doing this again because by 1/1/2101 I will be 138 years old. And if by some miracle I happen to live that long and have enough wits to actually draft a blog, it’s highly unlikely that I will stay up until 1 o’clock in the morning to post it. Automation doesn’t count. If it did, I’d program a blog right now for that time. Of course, by then blogs will be interactive holograms with embedded 4-D advertising, automatically deducting the cost of their products from your bank cloud account. And everyone in the entire universe will be automatically uploading their own holograms on 1/1/01 at 1:01:01, so it won’t be the big deal it is today.

121212kI suppose that my 6-year old son Jake could do it. He’d be 94 years old on the next repeating date. If by chance he was able to actually write a coherent blog, his post would run rampant with words like “fart,” “poop,” and “ burp.” He’d have to ditch school before noon in order to manually post his blog, which would be against many more rules than the arbitrary ones I came up with.

So yes… The Last Manually Posted Blog on the Final Repeating Number of the Century Award goes to yours truly.

Somehow, just by saying that out loud, the award has lost its appeal.

Screen shot 2012-12-12 at 9.52.44 AMLet’s get back to 12/12/12 at 12:12:12.

I’ve always been fond of the number 12. I think it’s fortuitous that there should be 12 months and 12 hours on a clock. “17/17/17 at 17:17:17” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. And doubling 17 instead of 12 creates a 34 hour day, which would be absolutely unbearable – that is unless a nap was required in the middle of the day.

Screen shot 2012-12-12 at 9.51.11 AMI suppose you can call me a dozenphile, if there is such a word. I wish I could say that the number 12 has always been my lucky number, but since I’ve never won more than $11 at lotto, I’ll just say that it’s my favorite number.  Whether I’m asked to pick a number in my head or bet on a roulette wheel, 12 is the winner, even if I don’t win. If I ever played sports, I would want the number 12 on my back. Even if I don’t play sports, a number 12 jersey might be a good Christmas gift. Hint hint.

12-12-12-1I don’t have any good reason for enjoying the number 12 above all others like the lucky 7 or the ubiquitous number 3. My 12th year of age was by far my geekiest (glasses, braces, pimples, and more freckles than white pigment), and one I would never want to repeat. I am thrilled that I wasn’t cursed with 12 fingers or an IQ of 12. Even though it’s my favorite number, God help me if I ever decided to have 12 children.

I probably prefer the number 12 because there so many things associated with it:images-1

  • 12 Apostles
  • 12 months in a year
  • 12 hours on a clock
  • 12 inches in a foot
  • 12 donuts in a dozen
  • 12 dozen in a gross
  • 12 zodiac signs
  • 12 jurors in a trial
  • 12 cards of each suit
  • 12 grades in school
  • 12 steps and 12 traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous

National Sound CheckThere are the movies 12 Angry Men, Cheaper By the Dozen, 12 Monkeys, and The Dirty Dozen. I don’t count Ocean’s 12. It was hard enough in the original Ocean’s 11 to remember the roles of 11 main characters, and whenever they increase the Ocean franchise, they add another character. Of course I will always want to see eye candy like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, so unless they want to introduce another memorable and hunky yet humorous actor (say, Bradley Cooper) in Ocean’s 67, the number attached to it will be a blur.

12/12/12 is gone!

12/12/12 is gone!

There’s one more association with the number 12 that is especially appropriate: 12 Days of Christmas. Coincidentally, that particular countdown begins tomorrow, so in honor of the season, I will be writing a new blog each day spoofing a different traditional Christmas song. I should warn you that there’s a large probability that it will be crass, dirty, disgusting, or politically incorrect. So if you cry at the fat man’s misfortune during Santa Got Run Over By a Reindeer or want to write a letter of protest over the infidelity of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, I encourage you to tune back into my blog sometime after December 26th.


Filed under Holidays, Humor

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Instant Gratification

When Thomas Jefferson drafted the Declaration of Independence and had it co-signed by our forefathers, I’m sure they all had lofty goals in mind in their quest for “the pursuit of happiness.” More accurately, “happiness” 236 years ago probably meant straying as far away as possible from anything that made people overtly unhappy – war, poverty, disease, imprisonment, death. I try to put myself in the shoes of these young Americans-to-be and wonder what would have made a citizen happy in the year 1776 compared with 2012:


1776: Americans planted their own seeds, watered and tended their farms or gardens, then harvested, prepared and cooked their food. They were happy not to starve.

2012: Americans are only happy if they can super-size their meal and get it NOW! Except for the ones on diets. They prefer to starve.


1776: After half a year of building it themselves, Americans found pleasure in moving into their stone, brick or wooden homes on their own homesteads.

2012: Americans are happy to pitch a tent in the freeway off ramp bushes as long as the highway patrol doesn’t see them. Other Americans are happy to live in their own homes until those houses are foreclosed. Then they are not so happy.


1776: Americans were happy to grow cotton, spin it into thread, weave it into fabric, cut out the fabric patterns, and then sew their clothes that they passed on from sibling to sibling.

2012: Americans are happy to buy as many clothes as possible until they’ve maxed out their credit cards. They are only happy for the first nano-second that they’re actually wearing those outfits. They’re still paying for those clothes long after the apparel has gone out of fashion, and their younger siblings refuse to wear them because they’ve gone out of fashion.


1776: Doctors used leeches to drain poisoned blood in an effort to keep their patients healthy and happy.

2012: Insurance companies are leeches who drain the life’s blood from those who are insured, and yet many of those patients are still not particularly healthy. Those without insurance either die, go into debt for the rest of their lives, or rack up billions of dollars in bills that the American taxpayer gets to pay. No one is happy. Well… except for maybe the insurance companies.


1776: Americans were happy to get a free education. Children learned how to read and write at an early age in public schools; however higher learning was a privilege only for wealthy white men.

2012: Although all Americans are offered a free public school education, it is often greatly criticized, and many young adults graduate without knowing how to read and write. Higher learning is available for all Americans – as long as they score 2400 on the SAT and allow themselves to go into permanent debt from student loans. Or they’re wealthy white men.


1776: Early Americans from all social classes gladly fought in the Colonial War to be free from British tyranny.

2012: It’s primarily just the lower social classes who enlist in the war against Afghanistan to be free from… I’m not exactly sure, but I don’t think anyone is happy about it.


1776: People found bliss in simple pastimes like reading a book or conversing with friends.

2012: Americans with jobs work too many hours and spend too much time on their commute, so they don’t have time for a happy pastime. Americans who want that job but are unemployed are too broke and depressed to be happy doing anything. Those who deliberately don’t work are the happiest of all. They watch reality tv on their big screens all day and fantasize that they’ll be discovered on American Idol, or they will be the star of the next Entorage. They like to converse with their friends by text and Facebook and badmouth all the haters out there.


1776: People often put quill and ink to paper to document their day in their diaries and journals, recreating their happy moments. Unfortunately, these diaries are often lost or destroyed, so their lives and thoughts are gone with them, and we’ll never know how truly happy they were.

2012: Millions of people tap away at their computers, iPhones and iPads in their web logs (blogs) bitching about their day, or how things were so much better 236 years ago. Then they hit “send” or “upload,” and it’s all there for the universe to see… forever. They might actually be happy, but posterity sees them as selfish, money-grubbing, ungrateful sloths.

Maybe 236 years from now, in the year 2248, Americans will again be happy just to have clothes on their backs, food in their tummies, and a roof over their heads.

Or they’ll look upon 2012 as the good ol’ days.

Funny how things always seem happier in retrospect.

I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July!

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Filed under Holidays, Humor