Tag Archives: satire

Lost: Much-loved Sofa

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There’s a link on our Neighborhood Council website entirely devoted to lost & found pets, just in case little Fluffy wanders off in search of Starkist Tuna instead his standard bowl of Fancy Feast, or if an owner’s tag-less mutt breaks off his leash and ends up dodging cars on a freeway onramp. It’s a very useful tool for reuniting loved ones.Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.52.06 PM

 

IMG_7084 Another lost & found tool was not particularly useful if you were lactose intolerant, so that’s probably why you no longer see ads for lost children on the back of milk cartons asking “Have you seen me?” I wonder how often someone six states away from the child’s disappearance noticed the photo and remarked over a bowl of Cap’n Crunch, “Hey… If you ignore the nose piercing, shaved head and the neck tattoo of the Virgin Mary, doesn’t that kid look like Crystal from reform school if she was 12 years younger?” (for all those of you who are offended, you inadvertently stumbled on a humor blog and you should return to your Google search and click on something that ends in “.org”).

IMG_7291There are resources if you’ve lost your child or can’t find your pet; however there doesn’t seem to be a good way to locate a piece of treasured furniture that has gone missing.

Lately I’ve been noticing an uptick in the number of lost furnishings throughout my neighborhood. Sofas, chairs, desks, mattresses, bookshelves – even full living room sectionals can be found on street corners, in alleys,  behind apartment buildings or hiding in empty lots. My heart goes out to them because they look so sad. I imagine their owners pouring through Pennysaver ads and stopping traffic abruptly when they see a sign posted on a phone pole. They’re hoping the handwritten scribble says, “Found: Brown Sofa. Springs exposed and missing one cushion.” But no… it’s always another damn lost cat.IMG_6600

Sometimes the furniture only appears to be a few years old, but more often than not, it is obviously well-loved and looks like it could have been in a family’s (or crazy cat lady’s) possession for decades or more. The owners must be distraught over the loss of their coffee table with their 4-year old’s carvings and sharpie illustrations of SpongeBob SquarePants. Or the sofa that appears to have been the actual birthplace of a litter of puppies. Or the mattress that contains so many memories of successful evenings initiated at the single’s bars. Such treasured furnishings are irreplaceable.

IMG_7340I’m not really sure how these important pieces of furniture magically transport themselves from an owner’s living room, office or bedroom into a weeded area behind a chain link fence, but I have a few theories:

1. Burglars were in the process of stealing these treasured furnishings, but didn’t secure them properly to their truck, van, wagon, or other method of transportation, and the sofa, et al. fell off and landed on the afore-mentioned street corner, alley, etc.IMG_7085

2. Aliens (as in ET – the Extra-Terrestrial, not as in swimming from Cuba or following coyotes through the desert “illegal aliens”) noticed these functional and comfortable human contraptions and decided they wanted them for themselves, but after beaming them to their spaceships they realized that since their bodies are far from human, the furnishings are not actually as functional and comfortable as they originally thought, so the furniture was abruptly tossed from the alien spaceship and landed in the new spot on earth.

3. Perhaps for easier moving while rearranging furniture, the owners attached wheels to the furniture, but during the recent minor earthquakes, the furniture rolled out of their homes and down the street, losing their wheels along the way.

Screen shot 2014-07-15 at 12.01.07 AM4. An angry roommate with vengeance in his heart took the furniture and hid it where the legitimate owner couldn’t find it.

5. Ditto #4, but instead of an angry roommate, it’s an unscrupulous criminal who has stolen the furniture and is demanding a ransom for its safe return.

IMG_7066These unfortunate furniture owners must be drowning in pools of their own tears. I feel for them, but I am even more concerned about the horrifying experience endured these young sofas, chairs and mattresses by being exposed to the cruel elements. Scorching sun, brutal wind, torrential rain, and attacks from lawn sprinklers and hoodlums can transform these innocent furnishings into tragic victims that may never completely recover from their ordeal. They may sit silent and ignored for weeks, months, possibly years (depending on the neighborhood and the efficacy of their Sanitation Departments), and in most cases, their worried owners may never be found.

IMG_6281Within this blog post, I am sharing the photos I have taken of some of the lost furniture I have found in my neighborhood over the past few weeks. If any of these treasured furnishings look familiar to you, please respond in the comments below.

In advance, I’d like to say: You are very welcome! I am so pleased to be able to reunite you with your old friend.

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Filed under Humor, Satire

Police Navidad

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Yesterday I finished up my countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas in which every day for 12 days I presented a different beloved holiday song and recreated it as a parody that was possibly crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect.

I probably should have checked my math (or at least a calendar) before I started since today is Christmas Day and my 12 days are up. No worries. It’s my blog, so I get to make the rules. So as an added bonus, I bring you my final installment in this series:

“Police Navidad” sung to the tune of “Feliz Navidad”

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Another family Christmas has gone bad

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Police Navidad

Too many fights between the moms and dads

**********

I don’t want another scary Christmas

That requires psychoanalysis

Or cashing IRA’s just to pay to bail us

Out of jail at night court

I don’t want to have to bury Christmas

Or form resentments and lack of forgiveness

Restraining orders from my wife and kids

Christmas Day rips us apart!

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Filed under Family, Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire

My Rump-rump-rump-rump

hairy lumpy buttToday is Day 12 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect.

For the 12th Day of Christmas I bring you “My rump-rump-rump-rump” sung to the tune of “The Little Drummer Boy.”

“My Rump-rump-rump-rump”

“Come,” they told me

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Was now a blimb-sized seat

My rump-rump-rump-rump

“Our slimmest shakes we drink”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

“To help our dieting”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

************

So I joined their gym

My rump-rump-rump-rump

To firm up my bum

************

I said, “Maybe – ”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

“I’ll try your cross-fit too”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

They showed me squats that sting

My rump-rump-rump-rump

The reps were tiring

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

************

“Shall I lunge for you?”

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Tightening my bum.

************

My tush gained some height

My rump-rump-rump-rump

I squeezed my butt cheeks tight

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Gluteus maximus

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Was not so maximus

My rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

Rump-rump-rump-rump

************

Trainers high-fived me

My rump-rump-rump-rump

At my firm buns

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire

I’m Dreaming of a Politically Correct Christmas

Politically correct XmasToday is Day 10 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect.

This one is actually deliberately politically correct (not too often that you so three adverbs in a row). To sing this song, everything in brackets needs to be sung very quickly.

For the 10th Day of Christmas I bring you:

I’m Dreaming of a Politically Correct Christmas

I’m dreaming of a politically correct Christmas

For public school holiday shows

One-third sings Hanukkah

A third – songs for Kwanzaa

The rest – ‘bout Santa and the snow

************

I’m dreaming of a politically correct Christmas

Where <religions/races/nationalities/political parties/genders/sexual orientations> all unite

May your day be generic and trite

And may all your Christmases be white <or black or brown or yellow or red depending on your race because they’re all equally good.>

I have another verse about the far right wing dreaming of a truly white Christmas, but my husband who enjoys  politically incorrect humor more than almost anyone I know advised me that I had crossed the line. If you’re interested in hearing it, drop me an email and I’ll send it to you.

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Public Education, Satire

Frosty the Lecherous Snowman

Today is Day 9 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect. This one is particularly raunchy. I’m not sure if I should be more proud or embarrassed.

For the 9th Day of Christmas I bring you:

Frosty the Lecherous Snowman

Frosty the Snowman had a very crappy soul

He would date women and use all them

To inflate his large ego

*************

Frosty the Snowman was no fairy, so he’d say

He was chilled like snow and he seemed so cold

To the ladies on a date

*************

There must have been some tragic end

That caused him to rebound

For every time he found a mate

He began to fool around

*************

Frosty the Snowman thought that he was a hot lay

So he said, “Come Hun,” and “We’ll have some fun”

Before I run away

*************

Down to the nightclub with his Visa in his hand

Touching here and there any woman’s bare –

– Skinned leg with his firm gland

*************

He leads girls to his dark condo

And then climbs right on top

And hates to pause the moment when

The girls all holler STOP!

*************

Frosty the Snowman always hurries on his way

And he waves goodbye and grabs a thigh, saying

“I’ll call you someday”

*************

Thumpity thump thump

Thumpity thump thump

Then puts on his clothes

Thumpity thump thump

Thumpity thump thump

He has his fun then goes

Frosty the Lecherous Snowman

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire

The First No “L”

No-LToday is Day 8 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect. Although I encourage my parodies to be sung out loud, for this one you should definitely read along to get the meaning. So… for the 8th Day of Christmas I bring you:

The First No “L” (sung to the tune of “The First Noel”)

Angels = AngesThe First No “L” the ANGELS did say:

Several cherubs complained they don’t like our new name (ANGES)

Is the “G” pronounced “J?” Or is it pronounced “G?”

Can’t you just call us “HOBBITS” like “Lord of the Rings?”

No “L,” No “L,” No “L,” No “L,”

Who is now “HE” since “HE” used to be “HELL?”

Gold = GodThe Wise Men brought frankincense and some myrrh

But they kept all the GOLD and split it together

Without the “L” we’ve just brought you “GOD”

So Jesus, you’re broke. You had best get a jobcarpenter

No “L,” No “L,” No “L,” No “L,”

Who is now “HE” since “HE” used to be “HELL?”

Hell = He

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire

Silent Night, Lonely Night

Today is Day 7 of the countdown of the 12 Days of Christmas. I present another one of your most beloved holiday songs and recreate it as a parody that is probably crass, dirty, disgusting, offensive, or politically incorrect. For the 7th Day of Christmas I bring you:

“Silent Night” (sung to the tune [duh!] “Silent Night”)

Silent night

Can this be a real ad?

Can this be a real ad?

Lonely night

No one calls

No one writes

************

I’m a virgin

(No) others worthwhile

Only instance –

His kiss met my bile

************

(I got nothin’ for this next one):

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

Maybe I should just keep the original line. It’s really no surprise this loser is sleeping alone.

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Parody, Satire