My husband and I murdered a holiday tradition on Sunday.
We bought an artificial Christmas tree.
Mind you, this wasn’t one of those impulsive decisions you get while strolling down the Costco aisles (I know that just like me, every one of you have some kind of massager you just couldn’t live without). We weighed the cost of one artificial tree compared to a lifetime of tree lot evergreens, as well as the carbon footprint we leave every year by assassinating an innocent living thing for our own two-week enjoyment, and decided to do the eco-friendly thing.
Here’s our typical holiday tradition:
One or two weeks before Christmas, the whole family would wander down to the local Christian church where we are not members (we’re heathens) and check out the freshly-cut trees. The criteria? – not too short, not too dry, not too bald. We always aimed for the $50 tree, but ended up with the $75 one. We contemplated if we should buy the $10 stand/water dish or try to find the one in the garage that makes every tree lopsided. Then some guy who looks like a weekend carny would tie the tree to the top of the minivan. I tipped him $5, the whole time thinking, “I was a Girl Scout. I know how to tie a bowline and a square knot. I can do a lot with the five bucks I just gave away.”
We’d drive the tree home and open the front door, hoping the dogs wouldn’t bolt for the street as my husband carried the tree inside, spraying a trail of pine needles along the way. We’d adjust the stand and pour the evergreen mixture and water into the stand dish, wondering why we always paid extra for the potion even though the tree seemed dehydrated in minutes. We also had to keep the pets from drinking it, which was an impossible task. You’d think that evergreen potion would make dogs less thirsty.
Then my husband or I would string up the colored lights. If it was him, he was done after two strands. If it was me, I wouldn’t stop until I had eight strands up and the tree glowed brighter than kryptonite. Unfortunately, at some point in the next two weeks, at least one strand would burn out, leaving a chunk of the tree in a blackened shadow for the rest of its existence.
The tree would get dryer by the minute. After a few days we would hear random kerplops as a brittle branch gave way and a heavy ornament fell to the ground. Every year we’d lose three to four of the breakable ones. Most of the time I save them in an ever-growing zip lock baggie with every intention of gluing them back together. I never do.
Then on New Year’s Day we’d throw a large bag over the tree and my husband would carry the condom-covered carcass to the street where it might sit for weeks. The sanitation workers only haul it away if we shove it in the green bin, which we are only able to after the tree completely turns to kindling.
And that’s our annual Christmas tree tradition.
I looked online at artificial trees to see what kind of cost we were looking at. Target sells them in the range of $80 to $800, which made me want to immediately rethink my plan since there’s no way in hell I’m going to spend twice as much on a tree as we do for our whole Christmas.
We decided to check out Sears, for the simple reason that it happened to be the anchor department store at the mall we were at. They had two trees available – the $200 tree that was on sale for $125, or the $300 that was marked down to the low price of $150. I like a good deal, so you can guess which one I chose. My bet is that Sears never sells that tree for $300. They just say they do to persuade suckers like me to buy it.
We bought the 7.5 Foot Just-cut Blue Noble Fir Pre-lit Tree. It has multi-colored lights that never burn out, and apparently is so easy to put together that even our 5-year old could do it if he had the ability to read the instructions. The tree is called “slim,” which is usually a word I like very much, especially if someone calls me “slim,” but on a Christmas tree it sounds more like an insult. However, we have a smallish living room, and a slim tree would probably be a smart choice.
Mary and Emily were gone when we bought the tree, and Jake seemed to take a greater interest in the box rather than the tree itself. When the girls returned home and saw the tree, Mary was horrified. How could we choose a tree without her? How could we get a fake tree? It didn’t even smell like a tree.
Mary was outnumbered. Emily didn’t want to murder another tree. So instead, we murdered our holiday tradition.
Merry Christmas to y’all and I hope you celebrate wonderful old and new traditions this holiday season.
14 responses to “Murdering a Holiday Tradition”
Not murdered, New… a new tradition. It is a beautiful tree!
Welcome to our world!!! 🙂
Your tree looks great! I was shocked when I paid for our two foot real tree this year – $55.00! Next year, I might just go for a branch. Merry Christmas!
Best decision I ever made! but …. the lights can burn out. Its beautiful and nothing a candle can’t fix.
It is beautiful Cathy! I did the same thing a few years ago…
That was my reply above!
Thank you so much for commenting, Bill!!!!
I’m THIS close to getting one for us. Very funny- and the part about the ziploc bag of “broken ornament” oh how true. Happy hoho
Nothing like a good murder to celebrate Christmas! Welcome to the killers’ club. Want to really tick off your kids? Leave Santa an off-brand diet cola and some nasty low-fat cookies. Wait – that might only tick Santa off. Maybe add some new life to an old tradition and get some coal for the stockings. Either way, I hope you have a blessed Christmas and a much healthier 2010!
The first year Tom and I were together, I put a lump of coal in his stocking. Mary and Emily woke up early and inspected everyone’s stockings. As soon as Tom and I got up Emily (who was about 7 years old at the time) said, “Mom. Tom… we have a situation here.” It was priceless.
I’ve been anti-tree since I was around 8, ever since I saw all the sad, dead trees thrown out onto the street like garbage after being so cherished for 2 weeks. It made me sad, so I picketed until my mom finally caved. Good on ya!
You were a crusader even back then, Court.
I’ve been thinking about getting an artificial tree for a few years now. Haven’t taken the plunge yet.
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