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20 Predictions for Season 2 of “Once Upon a Time”

The networks’ fall lineup has just been announced, and it was no surprise to anyone that Once Upon a Time, this year’s #1 new drama, has been picked up for Season 2.

In this week’s season finale, all the townspeople of Storybrooke have just been struck by a virtual bolt of lightning and now remember who they truly are – Fairy Tale Land characters. Mr. Gold (Rumplestiltskin) has poured true love – the most powerful potion in all the realms – into the magical well that can “return that which is lost.” Suddenly a huge wave of pink smoke reminiscent of something you’d find in a Victoria’s Secret ad starts rolling through Storybrooke, terrifying all the townspeople with the exception of Mayor Regina Mills (The Evil Queen) who slowly starts to smile.

Why is she smiling?

We won’t know that answer until sometime in September when Once Upon a Time returns.

As the dialogue editor of Once Upon a Time, my job is the second to the last step before the show airs, so I am definitely not privy to the story lines that are created by the above-the-line mucky mucks many months before. However, being a huge big fan of the show, I enjoy speculating what might happen during Season 2.

Here are my predictions:

Regina Mills – Mayor of Storybrooke

1. In the Season 2 opener, we find that Regina (The Evil Queen) now inhabits the body of Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan Chase CEO and Chairman of the Board, who received a $23 million pay package, lost $2 billion and still remains untouchable. (Isn’t it amazing when truth is stranger than fiction?).

Jamie Dimon – King of JPMorgan Chase

2. Mr. Gold’s (Rumplestiltskin) gets his wish to have his son Baelfire returned to him, prompting his 20-something-year old to live in true present-day style by moving in with his dad and spending his days playing video games, watching raunchy reality shows, and filling Mr. Gold’s home with empty beer cans and Dominoes Pizza boxes.

3. Belle marries Mr. Gold (Rumplestiltskin), but after a week living with his prodigal slacker son, she hightails it back to the loony bin where she had been imprisoned for the previous 28 years.

4. Mary Margaret (Snow White) and David (Prince Charming) seek relationship advice from therapist Archie (Jiminy Cricket) when she’s laid off from her teaching job due to school budget cuts and he starts bringing home stray mutts and feral cats from his job at the animal shelter.

5. For season 2, Emma finally trades in her boots for some practical running shoes. She also has a fling with Ruby (Red Riding Hood) and Once Upon a Time’s ratings explode with a loyal lesbian fan base.

6. Real life actor Jared Gilmore (Henry) has a growth spurt over the summer and his voice changes. In an effort to keep him short and cute, he is recast and replaced by one of the background dwarfs.

7. August Wayne Booth (grown Pinocchio) is reanimated as a real man with the exception of one body part that makes him very popular with the small town girls. I’ll give you a hint on that particular body part: his new nickname is “Woody.”

8. Storybrooke therapist Archie Hopper (Jiminy Cricket) vanishes into thin air when Regina (The Evil Queen) returns to Fairy Tale Land with a can of Raid.

9. Present Day Snow White, Belle, and Cinderella nearly kill each other in a catfight when they are all featured as contestants in Storybrooke’s version of The Bachelor.

10.  After the Blue Fairy has trouble flying due to the excess weight caused by her ginormous boobs, she inhabits her Storybrooke Mother Superior body to have a breast reduction. However, once in Storybrooke, she changes her mind and leaves the convent after realizing that her breast endowment makes her extremely popular among the men in town, most notably the more plentiful than average population of short men in Storybrooke whose faces are directly at eye level with her chest.

11. An evil clown arrives in Storybrooke, forces Granny out of her diner and installs a pair of Golden Arches over the entrance.

12. We find out how Mr. Gold (Rumplestiltskin) got his limp. As OUAT fans know, Rumplestiltskin’s favorite line is “All magic comes with a price.” Apparently he tried to sneak into a David Copperfield show at a Mafia-run night club without paying, and the boss’s thugs broke Mr. Gold’s kneecap. Hence as retribution, Mr. Gold has made himself the Godfather of Storybrooke.

13. Jefferson (The Mad Hatter) gets his tween daughter Grace/Paige back, but returns her to her Storybrooke parents after he’s disgusted to realize that she’s addicted to The Disney Channel and spends all day texting.

14. We find that Dr. Whale is actually Monstro, the giant whale that swallowed Geppetto (Marco) and Pinocchio (August) in Fairy Tale Land.

He starts having regular therapy sessions with Archie (Jiminy Cricket) when it is revealed that after upchucking the old Italian guy and his wooden puppet, Dr. Whale now suffers from bulimia.

15. Kathryn Nolan (Abigail – Prince Charming’s intended wife and his Present Day actual wife) remembers that her true love is Frederick, who is now the Storybrooke High School head coach. She takes a job beside him coaching the Storybrooke cheerleaders who were Fairy Tale Land Fairies, and they all end up in a zany 2013-2014 season spinoff called Once Up On a Grind.

16. In the season finale, when the pink cloud rolls in, former Daily Mirror editor Sidney Glass is reverted to his Fairy Tale form (the Evil Queen’s Mirror). Regina sells him at an auction to the highest bidder – Oprah Winfrey – and Sidney spends his days telling her how thin she is.

17. It is revealed that the Once Upon a Time book was actually penned by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob of Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous fame. When Regina (The Evil Queen) sets out to destroy the true authors, instead of whipping up a sleeping potion, she gives them each a bottle of Colt 45 malt liquor.

18. We find out that Henry’s father is the rabbit from The Tortoise and the Hare.

Like any true rabbit, he reproduced at will, then scurried away as soon as he found out Emma was pregnant. When we meet Baby Daddy sometime in season 4 we’ll know he’s changed because he’ll be bald (hare-less).

19. Leroy (Grumpy) and perpetually-pleasant Sister Astrid (Nova the Fairy)

get married and have a slew of bi-polar children.

20. Love-stuck female fans start an email campaign to return deceased Sheriff Graham (Huntsman) whose heart was ripped out from his chest by Regina (The Evil Queen).

Once Upon a Time’s parent company ABC Television holds a contest offering to bring back the hunky Irishman if 100 fans decide to donate their own body parts to charity.

If you have no clue what I’m talking about, catch “Once Upon a Time” in reruns this summer and you’ll be up to date when the show returns this fall.

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Filed under Humor, Parody, Top 10 List

Corduroy – 2012

I can’t tell you how excited I am to be targeted as the January author for the series Character Assassination Carousel, where a guest blogger gets the pleasure of murdering a classic children’s story. The logo is of a pretty merry-go-round pony littered with bullet holes and dripping blood, so you know it’s going to be funny and very sick. CAC is the brainchild of Nicole of Ninja Mom who started it all off a year ago by ripping apart Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. Last month featured James at Hitting the Crossbar with his mock interview with Maleficent, Sleeping Beauty’s misunderstood evil queen, and for February CAC tags Iris at The Bearded Iris. You can click the link on the right to see even more butchered children’s stories.

I decided to parody Don Freeman’s 1968 classic Corduroy, which has had a new life recently with a variety of board books and lift the flap books entitled Corduroy Goes to School, Corduroy Goes to the Beach, Corduroy Goes to the Doctor, Corduroy Goes to the Library, Corduroy Goes to the Fire StationI suppose this little bear goes just about anywhere as long as parents keep buying the same story for their little tykes.

The following Corduroy has been updated to make it more realistic in today’s economic downturn.

Corduroy is a bear who once lived in the clearance aisle of Walmart. Day after day he waited with all the other animals and dolls that no one ever wanted since they’d rather play with Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3.

The store was always filled with shoppers buying all sorts of products made by low-wage workers in third world countries, but no one ever seemed to want a small bear in green overalls.

Then one morning a little light-skinned African American girl with an ultra right wing conservative Christian head covering stopped and looked straight into Corduroy’s bright eyes.
“Oh, Mommy!” she said. “Look! There’s a cheap imitation of the Build-a-Bear bear I always wanted.”
“Not today, dear.” Her mother was also a light-skinned African American with ironed hair (to make her less threatening to the conservative readers of 1968) who worked all day cleaning houses and all night vacuuming offices. “I’ve spent too much already on things I had to buy because they were sold out of everything that was advertised on sale. Besides, he looks kind of ratty. He’s lost the button to one of his shoulder straps.”

Corduroy watched them sadly as they walked away. Even the rest of the toys on the shelf abandoned him since he looked so ratty.

“I didn’t know I’d lost a button,” he said to himself. “Tonight I’ll go see if I can find it.”

Late that evening, when all the shoppers had gone and the homeless people were kicked out, Cordury slunk away from the bunny that had turned blue and climbed carefully down from his —

— shelf and began searching everywhere on the floor for his lost button in hopes that since they never clean the floors at Walmart that he might actually find it.

Suddenly he felt the floor moving under him! The idiot Walmart assistant manager had forgotten to turn off the escalator, so up Corduroy went!

Could this be a mountain?” Corduroy’s thought bubble echoed through the Walmart loudspeaker. “I think I’ve always wanted to climb a mountain.”

He stepped off the escalator as it reached the next floor, and there, before his eyes was a most amazing sight. Walmart had taken over the old May Co. Department store furniture floor.

There were tables and chairs and lamps and sofas, and rows and rows of beds – all things that should have been shipped to Lamps Plus, Furniture Warehouses and the mattress superstore where the guy with the really effeminate voice shouts, “Or your mattress is FREEEEEE!!!!” “This must be a palace!” Corduroy’s voice roared through the loudspeaker. “I’ve always wanted to live in a palace.”

He wandered around admiring the furniture, which was normally only used by teenagers making out. “This must be a bed,” said the loudspeaker in Corduroy’s voice. “I’ve always wanted to sleep in a bed.” And up he crawled onto a large, thick mattress, which was infested with bedbugs from all the teenagers.

All at once he saw something small and round, but white, so it probably wasn’t a bedbug. “Why here’s my button!” he cried. And he tried to pick it up. But, like all the other buttons on the mattress, it was tied down tight.

He yanked and pulled with both paws until POP! Off came the button – and Corduroy flew threw the air with the button and thread hovering over him like a cartoon sperm —

— bang into a tall floor lamp. Over it fell with a crash! Unfortunately, there was no ambulance-chasing lawyer to witness the accident and convince Corduroy to sue Walmart for whiplash.

Corduroy didn’t know it yet, but there was someone else awake in the store. It was the night watchman who used to make six figures in real estate but now had this crappy rent-a-cop position at only 39 hours a week because Walmart wouldn’t put him on full time and cover his benefits. When he heard the crash he came dashing down the escalator, armed with a flashlight, pepper spray and a charged stun gun.

“It had better not be those pesky kids and their dog who eats Scooby Snacks,” he exclaimed. “They must be here, pretending to be mannequins while we all join in a groovy chase song.”

He flashed his light over and under sofas and beds until he came to the biggest bed of all, and the particular favorite among the kids making out. And there he saw something that looked like a fuzzy dog toy sticking up from under the cover.

The night watchman expected to see Scooby and Shaggy when he pulled back the cover, but instead he found a small shirtless bear with one of his shoulder straps removed. “Hello!” he said. “Law & Order SVU has been finding half-dressed bears in the bargain section of other Walmarts. Are you alright?”

The night watchman completely covered Corduroy’s mouth, so the bear was unable to answer. “And by the way,” he said to Corduroy, “You’re going to have to pay for that broken floor lamp.”

He plopped Corduroy on top of the freaky clown who looked like he’d been knocked out in a cartoon fight, and next to the doll and bunny who had ingested too much Valium the night before.

Corduroy was just waking up when the first customers came into the store in the morning. And there in front of him stood the light-skinned African American girl with the ultra right wing conservative Christian head covering who had taken two buses and the subway to get to the suburban Walmart.

“I’m Lisa,” she said, and you’re going to be my very own imitation Build-a-Bear bear. I’ve counted what I’ve saved in my piggy bank from selling my free lunch tickets to rich kids on Chicken Nugget Day, and my mom said if you promise not to eat anything I could bring you home.

“Should I put him in an imitation Build-a-Bear coffin for you?” asked the saleslady, who was still dressed from her night shift job at Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlor. “Oh no thank you,” Lisa answered as she covered Corduroy’s mouth like the night watchman so he couldn’t speak.

She ran all the way up the ten flights of stairs (because that good-for-nothing super didn’t fix the elevator), into her apartment, and into her own room.

Corduroy blinked. Along side a girl-size bed stood a little bed just the right size for him, and neither one had bedbugs. Lisa removed her ultra right wing conservative Christian head covering and tickled Corduroy’s butt.
This must be a home,” his voice echoed across the little room. “I know I’ve always wanted a home.”

Lisa had been trained to sew early in preparation for the seamstress assembly line she was destined to work in. She sat down with Corduroy in her lap and began to sew a button on his overalls.
“I like you the way you are,” she said, “but you look ratty with that broken shoulder strap and the rich kids will tease me if they see you.”

You must be a friend,” said Corduroy’s echoey voice. “I’ve always wanted a friend.”
“Me too,” said Lisa, as she gave him a big hug. “But your talking is kind of creeping me out,” Lisa said as she sewed his mouth shut.

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Filed under Humor, Parody