Tag Archives: Walmart

Top 10 List of Stores With Really Stupid Names

There’s an urban legend that Sav-On Drug Stores (now CVS) changed their name to Osco, then just as quickly changed it back to Sav-On when they realized that asco in Spanish (pronounced oskoh) means disgusting, nauseous and filthy. Snopes and Wikipedia claim that the rumor wasn’t true, but it’s a good place to start my:

Top 10 List of Stores With Really Stupid Names

1. Smart & Final: I agree it was smart to shop there before they started raising their prices a couple of years ago, but what do they mean by final? If that ten-pound bag of spuds turns out to by moldy before I get it home will they refuse to exchange it? What if I find rat turds in my Cocoa Pebbles or a booger in my relish? They’re really going to tell me to get a lawyer rather than refund my three bucks?

2. Quiznos: I can understand why Subway came up with its name since it sells subway AKA submarine sandwiches. Quiznos also sells submarine sandwiches but their name sounds like a failed SAT test. It’s not even Quizknows or Quizyes, which might be slightly more favorable, but it still has nothing to do with sandwiches. Maybe the quiz is trying to figure out how many fewer carbs you’ll have to burn by ordering their flat bread.

3. Ralphs: Supermarkets are often named after their founders and called by either their first name (Jon’s), last name (Vons, Albertsons, Smiths) or even both names (Fred Meyer). It seems logical that Ralphs was founded by someone named Ralph, but he really should have called his store by another name. Ralph is a slang term for throw up, or vomit, as in: I wandered around Ralph’s meat aisle and it made me want to ralph. Unless you’re bulimic, it’s really not the best name when shopping for food.

4. Starbucks: It’s now a household name, synonymous with coffee the way Kleenex is with bathroom tissue. They’re more ubiquitous than public restrooms, and in fact, Starbucks probably have the only public restrooms that people are actually welcome to use. The name breaks down to star and bucks, which is no surprise since every supermarket tabloid features a celebrity popping in there for a half cap or Frappuccino and paying about ten times more than if they had made it at home. By in there, I assume you know I mean Starbucks, and not the Starbucks restroom. There’s a whole different aisle of magazines for those celebrity photos.

5. Kmart: Mart is a place where people come together to buy and sell goods, but what’s going on with the K? Is it short for OK? If so, do you really want to shop at a store that is just ok? If they wanted to keep it short, I could see AAA Mart, but that might be mistaken for either AAA insurance, or one A more drunk than Alcoholics Anonymous. The founder’s name probably started with the letter K, just as the founder of Walmart’s name probably starts with Walking Away From American Manufacturing Jobs.

6. Robinsons-May: When I heard that May Company was merging with Robinson’s, it seemed like the obvious choice for the new name would be May Robinson. There might have even been some real May Robinsons out there who could have participated in the ribbon cutting ceremony. But instead, it became a backwards mouthful, like some formal roll call as in: Flynn, Cathy. It would be like Wienerschnitzel merging with Carl’s Jr. and calling itself Wienerschnitzel Carl instead of Carl Wienerschnitzel. The backwards name was short lived, and now replaced by Macy’s, which can be used as a first (Macy Gray) or last name (William H. Macy). A coincidence? I don’t think so.

7. Jack in the Box: What the flock does this antiquated toy have to do with fast food? You crank a handle on a small box while an annoying tune plays for about ten seconds, then out pops a wiggly clown. It gives small children nightmares and elderly adults a heart attack. Do the great minds at Jack in the Box Corporate realize that jack is another word for nothing? Do you really want to get stuck in that long drive thru line just to get jack (nothing) in your box? Don’t even get me started on the urban slang term for box.

8. Big Lots: This store, which is one step up from a swap meet, used to be called Pic ‘N’ Save (another ridiculous store name). The establishments are not big. If they were, they would be called Costco. I assume that they use the word lot as in a portion of something rather than lots as in a heap of stuff. Even with a valid entomological explanation, Big Lots still sounds like loads of large as translated by one of those scam emailers whose first language is definitely not English.

9. Forever 21: How many of you really want to be stuck on 21 for the rest of your lives? You’re finally able to get legally s#$tfaced and lose your paycheck on the roulette wheel. Are these your truly memorable moments? Frankly, whenever I go into Forever 21, the only customers I see are the tweens and their moms, and they’ve already been around that 21-year old block twice. It’s a little sad when you see those mothers getting a thing or two for themselves as well, wondering if they should instead use the money for that second face lift, another botox session, or to have a couple of ribs removed.

10. McDonald’s: As the most famous franchise until that expensive celebrity coffee took the world by storm, everyone knows your food is from the land of the Golden Arches as long as you tack Mc on the front (McNuggets, McMuffin, McRib, McFlurry). Yet it doesn’t seem to have much in common with the other famous McDonald, as in ee-i-ee-i-oh! – particularly since their fast food hardens the arteries so quickly there’s no way the farmer would ever reach old age by eating it. I know some of you will try to point out that the elderly agriculturalist spells his name MacDonald, but it all sounds the same if you’re singing it. When your kids are eagerly chanting “and a moo moo here” or a “cluck cluck there,” you can tell them that their Happy Meal gives them two treats for their mouth – an entertaining song, as well as a cheap, tasty and terribly unhealthy meal. Fortunately, there’s very little actual meat in McDonald’s food, so it’s almost like your tyke is eating vegetarian.

These are my top 10. Can you suggest any others? Or was my list so crass that you need to race for the nearest Osco because you’re feeling a little asco?


Filed under Humor, Parenting, Top 10 List

Corduroy – 2012

I can’t tell you how excited I am to be targeted as the January author for the series Character Assassination Carousel, where a guest blogger gets the pleasure of murdering a classic children’s story. The logo is of a pretty merry-go-round pony littered with bullet holes and dripping blood, so you know it’s going to be funny and very sick. CAC is the brainchild of Nicole of Ninja Mom who started it all off a year ago by ripping apart Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. Last month featured James at Hitting the Crossbar with his mock interview with Maleficent, Sleeping Beauty’s misunderstood evil queen, and for February CAC tags Iris at The Bearded Iris. You can click the link on the right to see even more butchered children’s stories.

I decided to parody Don Freeman’s 1968 classic Corduroy, which has had a new life recently with a variety of board books and lift the flap books entitled Corduroy Goes to School, Corduroy Goes to the Beach, Corduroy Goes to the Doctor, Corduroy Goes to the Library, Corduroy Goes to the Fire StationI suppose this little bear goes just about anywhere as long as parents keep buying the same story for their little tykes.

The following Corduroy has been updated to make it more realistic in today’s economic downturn.

Corduroy is a bear who once lived in the clearance aisle of Walmart. Day after day he waited with all the other animals and dolls that no one ever wanted since they’d rather play with Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3.

The store was always filled with shoppers buying all sorts of products made by low-wage workers in third world countries, but no one ever seemed to want a small bear in green overalls.

Then one morning a little light-skinned African American girl with an ultra right wing conservative Christian head covering stopped and looked straight into Corduroy’s bright eyes.
“Oh, Mommy!” she said. “Look! There’s a cheap imitation of the Build-a-Bear bear I always wanted.”
“Not today, dear.” Her mother was also a light-skinned African American with ironed hair (to make her less threatening to the conservative readers of 1968) who worked all day cleaning houses and all night vacuuming offices. “I’ve spent too much already on things I had to buy because they were sold out of everything that was advertised on sale. Besides, he looks kind of ratty. He’s lost the button to one of his shoulder straps.”

Corduroy watched them sadly as they walked away. Even the rest of the toys on the shelf abandoned him since he looked so ratty.

“I didn’t know I’d lost a button,” he said to himself. “Tonight I’ll go see if I can find it.”

Late that evening, when all the shoppers had gone and the homeless people were kicked out, Cordury slunk away from the bunny that had turned blue and climbed carefully down from his —

— shelf and began searching everywhere on the floor for his lost button in hopes that since they never clean the floors at Walmart that he might actually find it.

Suddenly he felt the floor moving under him! The idiot Walmart assistant manager had forgotten to turn off the escalator, so up Corduroy went!

Could this be a mountain?” Corduroy’s thought bubble echoed through the Walmart loudspeaker. “I think I’ve always wanted to climb a mountain.”

He stepped off the escalator as it reached the next floor, and there, before his eyes was a most amazing sight. Walmart had taken over the old May Co. Department store furniture floor.

There were tables and chairs and lamps and sofas, and rows and rows of beds – all things that should have been shipped to Lamps Plus, Furniture Warehouses and the mattress superstore where the guy with the really effeminate voice shouts, “Or your mattress is FREEEEEE!!!!” “This must be a palace!” Corduroy’s voice roared through the loudspeaker. “I’ve always wanted to live in a palace.”

He wandered around admiring the furniture, which was normally only used by teenagers making out. “This must be a bed,” said the loudspeaker in Corduroy’s voice. “I’ve always wanted to sleep in a bed.” And up he crawled onto a large, thick mattress, which was infested with bedbugs from all the teenagers.

All at once he saw something small and round, but white, so it probably wasn’t a bedbug. “Why here’s my button!” he cried. And he tried to pick it up. But, like all the other buttons on the mattress, it was tied down tight.

He yanked and pulled with both paws until POP! Off came the button – and Corduroy flew threw the air with the button and thread hovering over him like a cartoon sperm —

— bang into a tall floor lamp. Over it fell with a crash! Unfortunately, there was no ambulance-chasing lawyer to witness the accident and convince Corduroy to sue Walmart for whiplash.

Corduroy didn’t know it yet, but there was someone else awake in the store. It was the night watchman who used to make six figures in real estate but now had this crappy rent-a-cop position at only 39 hours a week because Walmart wouldn’t put him on full time and cover his benefits. When he heard the crash he came dashing down the escalator, armed with a flashlight, pepper spray and a charged stun gun.

“It had better not be those pesky kids and their dog who eats Scooby Snacks,” he exclaimed. “They must be here, pretending to be mannequins while we all join in a groovy chase song.”

He flashed his light over and under sofas and beds until he came to the biggest bed of all, and the particular favorite among the kids making out. And there he saw something that looked like a fuzzy dog toy sticking up from under the cover.

The night watchman expected to see Scooby and Shaggy when he pulled back the cover, but instead he found a small shirtless bear with one of his shoulder straps removed. “Hello!” he said. “Law & Order SVU has been finding half-dressed bears in the bargain section of other Walmarts. Are you alright?”

The night watchman completely covered Corduroy’s mouth, so the bear was unable to answer. “And by the way,” he said to Corduroy, “You’re going to have to pay for that broken floor lamp.”

He plopped Corduroy on top of the freaky clown who looked like he’d been knocked out in a cartoon fight, and next to the doll and bunny who had ingested too much Valium the night before.

Corduroy was just waking up when the first customers came into the store in the morning. And there in front of him stood the light-skinned African American girl with the ultra right wing conservative Christian head covering who had taken two buses and the subway to get to the suburban Walmart.

“I’m Lisa,” she said, and you’re going to be my very own imitation Build-a-Bear bear. I’ve counted what I’ve saved in my piggy bank from selling my free lunch tickets to rich kids on Chicken Nugget Day, and my mom said if you promise not to eat anything I could bring you home.

“Should I put him in an imitation Build-a-Bear coffin for you?” asked the saleslady, who was still dressed from her night shift job at Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlor. “Oh no thank you,” Lisa answered as she covered Corduroy’s mouth like the night watchman so he couldn’t speak.

She ran all the way up the ten flights of stairs (because that good-for-nothing super didn’t fix the elevator), into her apartment, and into her own room.

Corduroy blinked. Along side a girl-size bed stood a little bed just the right size for him, and neither one had bedbugs. Lisa removed her ultra right wing conservative Christian head covering and tickled Corduroy’s butt.
This must be a home,” his voice echoed across the little room. “I know I’ve always wanted a home.”

Lisa had been trained to sew early in preparation for the seamstress assembly line she was destined to work in. She sat down with Corduroy in her lap and began to sew a button on his overalls.
“I like you the way you are,” she said, “but you look ratty with that broken shoulder strap and the rich kids will tease me if they see you.”

You must be a friend,” said Corduroy’s echoey voice. “I’ve always wanted a friend.”
“Me too,” said Lisa, as she gave him a big hug. “But your talking is kind of creeping me out,” Lisa said as she sewed his mouth shut.


Filed under Humor, Parody