10 Perks & Pitfalls of Turning 18

waiting-long-time-birthday-ecard-someecardsMy oldest daughter recently turned 18, and for her it couldn’t come soon enough. I’m a little ashamed to say ditto for me. Now it’s her turn to listen to 45 minute of bad Muzak just to reschedule her dermatologist appointment.

But I’ll bet she woke up on her 18th birthday and shouted “Freedom!” – ready to taste all the wonderful new privileges granted to grown ups. Then she hopped out of bed and I told her to empty the dishwasher.pillow-pet-trickers-helmets-545_290

For her entire life she’s been fantasizing about the day she can call that 1-800 number on the screen and partake in the “must be 18 or older to order” to nab that Pillow Pet Trickster Helmet without kissing up to mom and dad. It would be like winning Lotto – which she could actually play at 18, but the odds are she’ll never win.

Adulthood isn’t nirvana. Just to enlighten her and other optimistic newly legal adults, I’ve compiled a list of:

10 PERKS AND PITFALLS OF TURNING 18

1. You can buy cigarettes.lungs-600x287

Whoo hoo! You’re finally old enough to look cooler than Kool, sucking endless drags on these smoldering sticks that give you multiple cancers, lip wrinkles, bad breath, stinky clothing, and dirty looks from anyone entering a Whole Foods Market. But hey – it’s now your right, even if the rest of the left wing knows it’s wrong.

Moxie2. You can change your name.

This is great news for the daughter of Penn Jillette of the magical duo Penn & Teller. Penn named her Moxie Crimefighter Jillette. After 18 years of merciless taunts, she will finally be able to change her name to Moxie Crimefighter Jones.

3. You can vote.18-voting

You now can join the other 12.5% of Americans who vote in the national election. Or write yourself in as a candidate for an office, and possibly win, and have the other 87.5% non-voting population complain about what a lousy job you’re doing.

Winona4. You can get a tattoo.

Johnny Depp was certain that his love for Winona Ryder was as permanent as his “Winona Forever” tattoo. Let this be a lesson to all young adults: Love is fleeting, but tattoos are forever, unless you have a ton of money to remove it without a leaving nasty scar.

5. Sex laws are in your favor (or maybe not).article-0-1A133A16000005DC-374_634x395

Sex with your 17-year old boyfriend is now a felony, but now you can sleep with an octogenarian without him being labeled as a pervert on Megan’s Law. Even though at 80+ years, by chasing someone born in 1997 he probably is a pervert. And you’re probably a good-digger.

Screen Shot 2015-06-26 at 12.09.26 AM6. You can get married without your parents’ consent.

See #3 above. Love is fleeting, but marriage follows you forever on Facebook photos and Google searches.

7. You can get arrested.Justin-Bieber-mugshot

Those teen antics no longer get you a call to your parents, a slap on the wrist, or the worst-case scenario – a stint in juvie. And again like #3, a felony is forever, at least on your arrest record.Screen Shot 2015-06-26 at 12.52.34 AM

8. You can buy porn.

Although you can finally ogle to your heart’s (or some other beating body part’s) content, porn will probably lose some of its allure. Now that it’s legal for you to download “Assablanca” and “Tiger’s Wood,” you’ll quickly realize that there’s a reason porn doesn’t win any Oscars. Most of it’s pretty bad.

9. You can buy airplane glue.Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 11.36.45 PM

However, like porn, now that you can legally buy it, this forbidden fruit is no longer such a big deal. You can get that same light-headed feeling from the lack of sleep you’ll be experiencing by simultaneously working two 35-hour a week minimum wage jobs.

10. You can serve on jury duty.

Yes, it’s now your civic duty to sit through 3 unpaid weeks of testimony from unscrupulous chiropractors and ambulance chasing lawyers. Protests of commitments to work, school, or that Hawaiian vacation you already paid for won’t get you an excuse. You’ll just have to suffer like the rest of us who muster up the integrity to keep ourselves from tossing that jury summons in the shredder. Agonizing torture devices like the rack or the iron maiden went out with the Middle Ages, but jury duty is their modern equivalent.Jury+Duty

I can probably come up another 10 reasons why turning 18 isn’t necessarily the bomb, but my daughter slipped out and now I have to empty that damned dishwasher.

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Filed under Humor

Lost: Much-loved Sofa

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.34.37 PM

There’s a link on our Neighborhood Council website entirely devoted to lost & found pets, just in case little Fluffy wanders off in search of Starkist Tuna instead his standard bowl of Fancy Feast, or if an owner’s tag-less mutt breaks off his leash and ends up dodging cars on a freeway onramp. It’s a very useful tool for reuniting loved ones.Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.52.06 PM

 

IMG_7084 Another lost & found tool was not particularly useful if you were lactose intolerant, so that’s probably why you no longer see ads for lost children on the back of milk cartons asking “Have you seen me?” I wonder how often someone six states away from the child’s disappearance noticed the photo and remarked over a bowl of Cap’n Crunch, “Hey… If you ignore the nose piercing, shaved head and the neck tattoo of the Virgin Mary, doesn’t that kid look like Crystal from reform school if she was 12 years younger?” (for all those of you who are offended, you inadvertently stumbled on a humor blog and you should return to your Google search and click on something that ends in “.org”).

IMG_7291There are resources if you’ve lost your child or can’t find your pet; however there doesn’t seem to be a good way to locate a piece of treasured furniture that has gone missing.

Lately I’ve been noticing an uptick in the number of lost furnishings throughout my neighborhood. Sofas, chairs, desks, mattresses, bookshelves – even full living room sectionals can be found on street corners, in alleys,  behind apartment buildings or hiding in empty lots. My heart goes out to them because they look so sad. I imagine their owners pouring through Pennysaver ads and stopping traffic abruptly when they see a sign posted on a phone pole. They’re hoping the handwritten scribble says, “Found: Brown Sofa. Springs exposed and missing one cushion.” But no… it’s always another damn lost cat.IMG_6600

Sometimes the furniture only appears to be a few years old, but more often than not, it is obviously well-loved and looks like it could have been in a family’s (or crazy cat lady’s) possession for decades or more. The owners must be distraught over the loss of their coffee table with their 4-year old’s carvings and sharpie illustrations of SpongeBob SquarePants. Or the sofa that appears to have been the actual birthplace of a litter of puppies. Or the mattress that contains so many memories of successful evenings initiated at the single’s bars. Such treasured furnishings are irreplaceable.

IMG_7340I’m not really sure how these important pieces of furniture magically transport themselves from an owner’s living room, office or bedroom into a weeded area behind a chain link fence, but I have a few theories:

1. Burglars were in the process of stealing these treasured furnishings, but didn’t secure them properly to their truck, van, wagon, or other method of transportation, and the sofa, et al. fell off and landed on the afore-mentioned street corner, alley, etc.IMG_7085

2. Aliens (as in ET – the Extra-Terrestrial, not as in swimming from Cuba or following coyotes through the desert “illegal aliens”) noticed these functional and comfortable human contraptions and decided they wanted them for themselves, but after beaming them to their spaceships they realized that since their bodies are far from human, the furnishings are not actually as functional and comfortable as they originally thought, so the furniture was abruptly tossed from the alien spaceship and landed in the new spot on earth.

3. Perhaps for easier moving while rearranging furniture, the owners attached wheels to the furniture, but during the recent minor earthquakes, the furniture rolled out of their homes and down the street, losing their wheels along the way.

Screen shot 2014-07-15 at 12.01.07 AM4. An angry roommate with vengeance in his heart took the furniture and hid it where the legitimate owner couldn’t find it.

5. Ditto #4, but instead of an angry roommate, it’s an unscrupulous criminal who has stolen the furniture and is demanding a ransom for its safe return.

IMG_7066These unfortunate furniture owners must be drowning in pools of their own tears. I feel for them, but I am even more concerned about the horrifying experience endured these young sofas, chairs and mattresses by being exposed to the cruel elements. Scorching sun, brutal wind, torrential rain, and attacks from lawn sprinklers and hoodlums can transform these innocent furnishings into tragic victims that may never completely recover from their ordeal. They may sit silent and ignored for weeks, months, possibly years (depending on the neighborhood and the efficacy of their Sanitation Departments), and in most cases, their worried owners may never be found.

IMG_6281Within this blog post, I am sharing the photos I have taken of some of the lost furniture I have found in my neighborhood over the past few weeks. If any of these treasured furnishings look familiar to you, please respond in the comments below.

In advance, I’d like to say: You are very welcome! I am so pleased to be able to reunite you with your old friend.

IMG_6325

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Filed under Humor, Satire

The End of the Blog Hiatus

I

I tried to stop time. But time won.

The problem with having a blog called Very VERY Busy Mom is that it implies that if I am busy enough to warrant the second VERY in the title, when the heck do I find time to write a blog?

Exactly.

In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry’s gal pal Hermione Granger uses a device called a “time turner” which transports her to the past so she can double up her class schedule.

I’d love to win lotto one day, but I would trade those millions for my very own time turner. I’d get my work done with no stress at all, then use the time turner to spend time with my kids, hang out with my husband, exercise regularly, clean my house, and maybe have coffee with a friend.

But after a day or two of time turning, I’d want to tear out my lawn and put in drought-resistant plants, learn to speak Spanish fluently, write a book, start a small business, and train for marathon.

Don’t get me started on travel or getting a few more degrees.

I could never be happy with just two time turners. I would need two. Or three. Or infinity.

When other busy moms are taking a little “me” time – getting a mani-pedi, munching on a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels while watching Oprah (or possibly full seasons of Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones in a single sitting), or taking a little 5150 vacation in a psyche ward, I prefer to be productive. And write. My blog is my creative outlet, my little pick-me-up, and my own “Mommy’s Little Helper” without the hangover in the morning.

But for the past seven months, Very VERY Busy Mom has fallen by the wayside in favor of other pleasant pastimes like occasional exercise, a minimum sleep requirement and establishing a regular dog poop pickup routine before my backyard earns the nickname “Lord of the Flies.”

I decided to take a break for a week, which turned into a month, then turned into over half a year, and I felt like quite the loser whenever friends would come up to me and say, “Hey, Very VERY Busy Mom! I haven’t seen a new blog lately!” Their intention was encouraging and good-natured, but the translation into my insecure brain was “You’re a slacker! Show me your collection of bed sores!”

Instead of writing blog posts, I ended up finishing my third season editing dialogue on the ABC fairy tale drama Once Upon a Time (if you haven’t seen it yet, add it to your Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones marathon). The lack of time spent writing blogs enabled me to get my show done without it getting bounced from the stage – a term synonymous with “you’ll never work in this town again.”

My year-long obsession researching colleges, scholarships, and ACT & SAT prep for my 17-yeat old has culminated with her acceptance to the perfect college for her (Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois – known for its attraction of quirky kids ), but on the flipside, I haven’t practiced driving with Emily often enough to be certain she’s a safe enough driver to earn her license. Not that LA drivers generally are considerate enough to warrant a license, but I want her to be somewhat prepared for the cockfight.

I’ve spent an exorbitant amount of time behind the wheel of my minivan transporting my 13-year old social butterfly to probably two dozen Bar and Bat Mitzvahs (even though we don’t have a drop of Jewish blood in our veins – Mary is loved by all races, creeds, and religions), and more social events than a Presidential candidate campaigning for a tight seat.

Although I’ve been making it a priority to read Harry Potter to my 7-year old every night (we’re now on #4 – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) my son unfortunately has received the dregs of any free time I had left, so I missed a few of his baseball games and Cub Scout activities. Fortunately my Prince of a Husband picked up the slack as baseball coach and Assistant Den Master and managed to be the token parent there for absolutely every event. My hubby also loves it when I mention him favorably in my blog, so I’m glad he gave me something to write about.

I still love volunteering at the kids’ schools and in the community, but there have been whole weeks when I’ve gone completely AWOL and the other very VERY busy moms, dads and community do-gooders manage to get everything done even without my indispensable help. Proof that no one – even mwah (not sure how to spell this one correctly since it’s not really a word) is irreplaceable.

This is not the post I envisioned after a long hiatus from writing. I would rather have penned “How I Invested My Lotto Winnings,” or “Reflections as a Staff Writer on The Daily Show,” but unfortunately, that’s not how I’ve spent my last seven absent months.

I’ve just been very VERY busy.

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Filed under Career, Family, Humor, Husband, Kids, Multitasking, Parenting, Teenagers, Volunteering

When Animals Behave Like Animals

DSCN4037Bowel movements. Bathing. Reproduction. These are all normal, everyday activities (ok – maybe the last one isn’t everyday unless you’re in a new relationship with someone really hot), which require the removal of clothing. They’re performed behind closed doors. And if someone walks in on you while you’re in the middle of doing it (especially doing it), everyone is expected to die of embarrassment.

denisovans_fig_1That’s what we’re taught as children, and that’s supposedly what we’re expected to teach our own children. Yet with the simple removal of just a pair of chromosomes, these private moments involving our very private parts and called “nasty” in the case of humans, become “nature” when talking about animals.

From Epic Parenting Fail. I can already tell I'm going to love this website!

From Epic Parenting Fail. I can already tell I’m going to love this website!

I had a friend whose toddler loved to reach into his diaper, scoop out a wad of poop, and then draw on his bedroom walls. If the baby was using oil colors, his parents would have praised him and named him Picasso, but since he was painting with stinky excrement, his hand was slapped and he was sent to the corner without dessert.

imagesThis apparently isn’t the case with man’s close relative – the gorilla. Last week I took my 7-year old son Jake to the zoo.  Jake and a creature resembling Tarzan’s best friend were studying each other when he turned around, exposing his backside (the gorilla – not Jake). He squatted directly over the moat separating the primates from the humans and started to bear down, giving the onlookers a peek of nature at work. Screen shot 2014-01-09 at 11.41.48 PMAt first I thought the gorilla had been meticulously potty trained to poop into the moat, making the collection easier for the zookeepers in training who enter the zoo hierarchy on the bottom rung as poop-picker-uppers. But instead of letting his feces fall freely, the gorilla caught the lump in his hand and set it down beside him.

64asia5rebzbzqwltib7ixrm4.400x300x1Then the gorilla pointed just like ET with his glowing index finger and he proceeded to play with the poop like it was some kind of fascinating new Play-Doh. The primate poked it and prodded it, then molded the middle of the dung heap, forming a little cup. Screen shot 2014-01-09 at 11.54.36 PMJust when you’d think he was going to sip from it as if it was a wine goblet, he reached back around to his backside and caught yet another load as it squeezed through his anus. The gorilla set the second lump down next to his little cup and poked some more.DSCN4079

The crowd reacted like they were watching a violent bus crash – aghast and horrified, yet so curious they couldn’t stop looking.

Jake thought it was cool.

Later, we went to visit the zebras and found two that were particularly friendly, if you get my meaning. Since I haven’t yet sat down to explain to Jake how babies are made, my mind was racing with explanations for the zebras’ behavior:

  • She’s giving that zebra a piggyback ride
  • They’re playing bucking broncos
  • She has an itchy butt and the boy zebra is helping her scratch it
  • She’s just giving him a boost
  • It’s a zebra game where they try to line up their stripes

DSCN4040It turns out I didn’t have to say anything. Jake just laughed and thought it was cool.

Then we visited the yellow-backed duikers, which are small African antelopes. They weren’t doing anything to call attention to themselves until one started licking the other’s butt. That one didn’t mind, and before you know it, he was exchanging the favor by simultaneously licking the other’s butt as well. The duikers were obviously enjoying themselves tremendously.DSCN4048

I figured that in a couple of years when I explain the facts of life to Jake, I’ll bypass the description of that little option for fear that in math class every answer he shouts out will be “69!” Jake will have to figure the duikers’ experience out for himself, or rather himself and some other willing partner. I guess learning experiences like that one are what college is for.

Jake says that when he grows up he wants to be a zookeeper. It will be very interesting to hear what he ends up telling kids who are asking why the duikers are licking each other’s butts, why gorillas play with their poop, and if zebras really are just striped horses since they’re mounting each other and taking a ride.

Maybe he won’t give any explanation. He’ll just tell them it’s cool.

Jake thinks the gorilla is cool!

Jake thinks the gorilla is cool!

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Filed under Humor, Kids, Parenting

The Problem With Costco? How Do You Get All That Crap Home?

IMG_2885Costco. The mere whisper of its name conjures images of big, bigger, and so-big-there’s-no-way-in-hell-you’ll-ever-finish-it-before-it-goes-bad mega-big. It wasn’t that long ago when in their wildest dreams Americans could never have imagined the wonders of this super-duper-store. Why in the world would you ever need a half-gallon of shampoo, 500 Styrofoam dinner plates and tortilla chips in a bag that’s bigger than your torso? Yet today, we wouldn’t consider buying a single pound of ground beef at Ralph’s when we can go to a mega warehouse and buy the whole cow. You never know when a boatload of your closest friends might drop by unexpectedly and expect you to whip up an impromptu barbeque.

The sheer enormity of Costco hits you well before you enter the store. Costco parking lots are the size of small amusement parks, and still they miraculously tend to fill up – particularly in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Parking vultures will wait 15 minutes hovering over a customer loading up his vehicle rather than hoof it from an open spot that’s so far away it lies in another zip code. I don’t mind the trek, and figure that the walk to and from the warehouse will do me good, burning a few of the many calories I plan to consume from the numerous free samples. You could go to Costco every day of the week, never spend a dime, and still eat like a king – that is if kings enjoy nibbling on a smorgasbord of pomegranate juice, Cajun sausages, waffle bites, and spinach dip.

Samples are a daily surprise at Costco.

Because of my distant parking spot, I’m very appreciative that Costco hasn’t yet installed those brakes that lock the wheels of the shopping cart when they reach the parking lot boundary. Frankly, I’m a little surprised. If I was a homeless person, Costco would definitely be my cart of choice. You can probably hold 20 dozen more cans in its roomy basket, and unlike the carts with the missing bottom available at 2-story Targets so they can travel up their own person-less escalator, Costco carts have big bottom racks that could possibly fit all three of my homeless children in case I needed to transport them up and down the boulevard.

Is it just me, or did anyone else do a double-take over the line big bottom racks?

The Costco powers-that-be were absolutely brilliant in their decision to remove compact-sized parking spots from their parking lots. Have you ever seen a Smart Car pull into the lot? Not very often, if ever. They had better bring along some bungee cords and rope if they plan to strap that 12-pack of paper towels to their roof like a Douglas fir leaving the Christmas tree lot.

There’s a reason there’s no bicycle racks or motorcycle parking, because there’s not a single thing sold at Costco that’s small enough to strap into your backpack, with the exception of a gift card to Spafinder or one of Costco’s special Road Show events selling engagement rings. Somehow I figure if someone’s wealthy enough to afford a fabulous sea salt scrub or planning to pop the question to the girl of his or her dreams, they’re probably not going to do it while riding a 10-speed. However, you can actually buy a bicycle or motorcycle at Costco and park your 2-wheeler in the store while you shop (the motorcycle is on display in the store and available at Costco.com). However, don’t plan to do any additional shopping unless you arrange to pick everything up later in your proper minivan or U-Haul trailer.

IMG_2887There have been days when I have filled up the back end of my 8-person minivan from floor to ceiling and still had to invade the middle row and passenger seat for the rest of my purchases. I start to feel like that classic I Love Lucy episode where Fred loads up the car for the move to California and has to tie golf clubs and conga drums to the hood to make everything fit.

I wish a trip to Costco felt like a zany screwball comedy. It doesn’t.

photoweek114bIt’s not just the 2 hours of shopping and cart maneuvering, retracing my steps to the far end of the store for the forgotten frozen pizzas, the 35 minute line at the register which is so long it snakes into the snacks aisle, the brainpower needed to strategically place all the items in my car so the 50-lb. bag of dog food is not resting on the giant pumpkin pie, or having to drive 15 miles below the speed limit so the entire pile doesn’t entomb me during a sudden stop. Just when I think my long Costco journey is over, I am now faced with the prospect of making 20 separate trips hauling the load from my driveway into my house. Because I hate making multiple trips to and from the car, I turn this job of 20 into just 4 trips, hauling so many heavy items stuffed into my reusable bags across my forearms that the embedded dents in my flesh become nearly permanent.  I place the 80 cup pack of Newman’s Own Keurig coffee cups on top of the 24 rolls of Charmin bathroom tissue on top of the 32-pack of diet Coke, then cradle the triple pack of Kellogg’s cereal between my right elbow and hip, the box of 250 Bounce fabric softener sheets between my left elbow and hip, and balance the entire load like a tightrope walker.

I don’t usually make it to the kitchen without dropping everything, but I keep trying, telling myself that next time it will be different.

After I transport everything into the house, I spend another hour slicing open those plastic containers that are tighter than Fort Knox and ripping apart the cardboard boxes that enclose 90% of everything sold at Costco. Next I have to somehow defy the laws of matter to find space in my refrigerator and cupboards to store everything. My rule of thumb: If it fits, that’s where it goes. Then I slam the door hard before everything falls out.

I’m finally done. Or am I?

Like every single slasher film ever made, even this is a false ending, because then I have to flatten all those boxes and get them to fit in our over-sized recycling bin. Some trips to Costco take two weeks for the garbage man to finally collect it all.

But the very worst thing about Costco? Getting my Costco American Express bill three weeks later, totaling only slightly less than the gross domestic product of a small country.

You’d think would be the nail in the coffin to get me to quit shopping at Costco… but no.

The last time I went, I noticed that they actually sell coffins at Costco.

I wonder if my car is big enough to get it home.

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Filed under Anxiety, Debt, Family, Humor

This Thanksgiving I am Grateful for My Friends, Family, and Not Having to Wear Heels to Work

photo-40We spent Thanksgiving dinner tonight with my inlaws, and for something completely different, I decided to dress up. For me, dressing up means putting on a pair of earrings, but tonight I thought I’d be a little crazy and actually slip on a pair of heels.

Yes. Crazy. And so is any woman who wears these elevated toe-torture devices on purpose.

For the past decade, I’ve rarely worn heels. If you glance below my knees you’ll find flip flops, sneakers, barefoot sports shoes, or better yet – just plain bare feet.

Not the kind of shoe you should wear to a funeral

Not the kind of shoe you should wear to a funeral

I’ll reluctantly trudge through a wedding in a pair of pumps, and I used to wear them to funerals until I realized my heels were doubling as lawn aerators. Since then, I switched to flats.

Don’t ask me why all of a sudden tonight I walked (or rather teetered) out my front door wearing a pair of painful pumps. I do stupid things all the time, and even stupider, I’ll eventually do it again sometime, even before the pain subsides.

Walk downhill on San Francisco's Lombard Street. This is what it feels like to wear heels.

Walk downhill on San Francisco’s Lombard Street. This is what it feels like to wear heels.

The blisters were beginning to form on my left foot before I even put on the right heel. My toes were squeezed together creating an unnatural point that should only be reserved for elves. Forcing my feet into a permanent 45 degree downward angle made me feel like I was struggling to maneuver downhill on Lombard Street, and I’m sure my face was wincing at every step like I was in the throws of childbirth. Still, I soldiered on.

The heels came off in the car, were forced on again for the walk from the car to my inlaw’s Thanksgiving food line, then were stealthy kicked under the table for the duration of dinner.

I put them on again to stagger to the bathroom, where I inspected the welts across my toe knuckles.

Just the price of being a woman, I tried to tell myself.

Like those giraffe women in Africa who keep adding rings to their necks to make their necks longer.

Long necks for the sake of beauty

Long necks for the sake of beauty

Like the Chinese women who have their feet broken and bound so they’re forced into shoes made for Polly Pockets.

Small feet for the sake of beauty

Small feet for the sake of beauty

Or the tribal women who stretch their earlobes.

Big earlobes for the sake of beauty

Big earlobes for the sake of beauty

Like painful heels, that earlobe craze unfortunately is catching on.

Big earlobes for the sake of... God knows why

Big earlobes for the sake of… God knows why

After the Thanksgiving festivities, I contemplated walking barefoot back to the car, but it was dark, and I wasn’t sure if stepping on potential twigs, rocks or glass would be more painful than just wearing the heels for 100 feet.

I think walking barefoot on hot coals would have been a more pleasant journey.

By the time I returned home, I probably should have either chucked the heels directly into the garbage can or donated them back to the charity I bought them from. After all, the insole still had the $4.95 price tag from when I purchased the shoes from American Way two years ago. But the heels look nice and kind of classy, so in my silly, optimistic mind I visualized myself with feet a half size smaller and thinner, slipped into these lovely pumps, giving the optical illusion that my legs are sexy, slender but muscular, tan, and free from hair and varicose veins. I prance around on these fantasy stilettos like a statuesque supermodel, rather than wobble on them like the uncoordinated klutz I am.

Then I woke up and grabbed the Bandaids for my popped blisters.

I figured since Thanksgiving is the biggest day of the year for giving thanks, I might extend that gratitude publicly by saying I am very VERY thankful I do not have to wear heels to work. Sure I could be some high-powered lawyer, a CFO for a Fortune 500 company, or a Tea Party staffer, but you couldn’t pay me enough money to put on heels every day.

You also couldn’t pay me enough money to be a Tea Party staffer even if I didn’t have to wear heels every day.

It has been ten weeks since I’ve had time to write a new blog, and I have the good fortune of steady work to blame as the reason for my lack of posts. But one of the best things about my job is that I do it from home.

I am a sound editor, and not only do I not have to wear heels, I don’t have to wear anything at all, except for a pair of headphones. On hot summer days I’ve even contemplated such attire, but I’m always afraid that might be the day the Gas Man comes to check the meter, takes a peek through my bedroom window and spots me with just my birthday suit and headphones and then tells all the other Gas Men around the water cooler about me, and then they might all try to get his route.

Not to take a peek at the naked gal with the headphones. To ask me where they can get a gig like mine.

Granted, Gas Men have the kind of job where they’re lucky enough not to wear heels, but to get away with not even having to wear clothes – now that’s a great gig!

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Filed under Holidays, Humor

Will Friday the 13th Curse My “Happy” Birthday?

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Dedicated to all the triskaidekaphobics out there.

Not my actual foot. And definitely NOT my actual pants.

Not my actual foot. And definitely NOT my actual pants.

I’m not by nature a superstitious person. I don’t mind if black cats follow me home, I doubt my mom will end up in a full body cast if I stomp on a sidewalk crack, and although I don’t deliberately walk under ladders, if found a good reason for it – say I could pick up a penny by doing so, I might cross my fingers, stoop under the steps and nab it.

cupcake2Today is Friday the 13th of September, and it also happens to be my birthday.  These two events combined beg to question:

Is it possible to have a Happy Birthday?

images-1

Dear Jason,
Why did you ruin my birthday?
(Not) love… Cathy

When I was a kid, I didn’t really think much of this dreaded day until Hollywood began making those Friday the 13th slasher films. Starting in 1980, Friday the 13th suddenly became synonymous with the name “Jason,” hockey masks, and horny camp counselors. Not surprisingly, this franchise lasted just one film short of 13. Perhaps they’re not planning to make another, since it might be unlucky.

Cool, huh? Why didn't I learn this in school?

Cool, huh? Why didn’t I learn this in school?

If I’m even slightly nervous about my birthday falling on Friday the 13th, I could consider the 1 in 31 other people who also have a birthday on the 13th (or the 1 in 30 in September, April, June and November, or the 1 in 28 or 1 in 29… you get where I’m headed here) who most of the time live through their cursed day as well. Except, of course, the ones who do actually die.

They’re the ones that make me nervous.

This is the 8th time my birthday has fallen on Friday the 13th, and remarkably I have survived all the other attempts for bad luck to foil my celebrated day.

Barely.

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Tammie and me. I’m trying not to strangle her before her first birthday.

My very first birthday fell on Friday the 13th, and I should have realized then (if I was coherent enough as a toddler) that my childhood birthdays were doomed. My sister Tammie was born exactly one month before – on August the 13th – so even though I was the oldest child, I would never be able to celebrate a birthday with my parents all to myself. But Tammie got the double whammy load of bad luck since her 13th birthday fell on Friday the 13th. I’m not really sure what the bad luck was since she got the guys in high school and I didn’t, but I hope the jealous voodoo spell I cast on her brought something bad.

Tammie… if you’re reading this, I’m kidding. If you’re not reading it, then I still resent you for being thinner and getting a better tan in high school than I did.

images-7Sorry. I’m not sure what would calm that unfortunate outburst more – a good psychiatrist or a steaming caldron with a lock of Tammie’s hair.

If I’m worried about doomsday destroying my birthday this year, I suppose I could oppose the Friday the 13th curse with my own counter-spells by grasping a 4-leaf clover and a rabbit’s foot in each hand all day; however without the full use of my grip, I’m more likely to be responsible for my own bad luck by dropping my iphone, sunglasses, and car keys more often than I do already.Screen shot 2013-09-13 at 11.16.28 AM

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Not actually me. But it feels like it’s actually me.

Some people fend off the Friday the 13th curse by avoiding air travel, delaying important decisions, or safest of all – staying in bed all day. Since today is also my birthday, and the present I would like most is a nap, this old superstition may be a great excuse for me to get my birthday wish without my family thinking I’m a slacker.Publication1

I don’t plan on spending my birthday hanging up horseshoes, knocking on wood, or throwing salt over my shoulder, because that would be just plain stupid.

But I think I might wait until Saturday the 14th to buy a lotto ticket.images-10

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